A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet special look into the mind of Tucker

A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet ... special look into the mind of Tucker

Monday, May 16, 2011

Final Goodbye.

As some of you may know, and as some of you may not know, and as some of you may not know you know, and as yet others of you know you don't know,

I'm leaving this Wednesday.

I'm going on a proselyting mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

I report to the Provo MTC where I will learn the ups and down of missionary work (Oh. And a whole new language.) on May 18th, the day after my 19th birthday. After the MTC I will be heading to the New York New York City South mission where I will preach the gospel of Jesus Christ for two years before I come back. As such, I will not be posting on a blog, I will not be using technology all that much at all actually, and I would like to bid farewell to my faithful (and sporadic) blog readers.

If you're curious about the church, go to this link for general questions, or if you're curious why we serve missions, please check it out. There are all kinds of ways to find out about the church, not the least of which are calling me anytime in the next 36 hours. I'd be happy to answer anything.

Fear not readers. I shall return in 2 years to resume the hilarity. I shall build up a repertoire of amusement over the next two years, and shall return triumphant.

If you would like to be forwarded the weekly emails I will send home, simply give me your email address, and I will add you to the list.

Friday, May 13, 2011


Lent is a truly interesting Christian tradition.

In this period of time, each person chooses something that they will give up for the weeks until Easter.

"What are you giving up for lent?" is a constant question, and I've never in my life given up anything for lent. I've decided that I'll give up something for lent. Something good.

There are a couple different options here.

Option 1.  Give up sugar like every soccer mom in America.  (This implies that I will cheat on my commitment on a bi-weekly basis, then blame my family for exposing me to temptation.)

Option 2.  Give up facebook.

Nevermind. Dumb Idea.

Option 3.  Give up soda. Not an issue, I don't drink soda.

Option 4.  Give up using Jedi mind tricks. That's a dumber idea than giving up Facebook...

Option 5.  Give up eating Swiss Rolls. (BACK STORY! Tucker loves Swiss Rolls. They are so dang succulent, and I could eat so many of them that I would explode before I stop. They are a staple of my college diet) Given their stapleship, I will not give them up. That's pretty much like you giving up water. It's just not ok.

Ok friends, I've decided.

I'm going to give up something that I've wanted to give up for as long as I can remember wanting to give up anything.

Wait for it............


I'm going to give up giving things up. Who wants to give things up anyway? And if you're gonna give up something, why give up the fun things like pop and candy and cookies and stuff? Why doesn't a teacher give up giving homework? Why don't we ALL give up exercising? only 4.6 people (one of them is a midget) in America like to exercise.

I think Lent would be a happier time if I was in charge.

 As supreme dictator of lent, I declare that we all give up the practice of not giving Tucker money. This way, everyone is happy.

All you people are giving up things you like, and I'm GETTING things I like.

This is turning out better than Christmas.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I Have a Dream.......

It's kind of a weird dream.... but I dreamed it nonetheless.

Here's how it's gonna go down.

He's gonna be a mid-twenties man with waist length dreadlocks.
He's going to be sitting at his computer.
I'm going to enter his house stealthily and creepily, tiptoing down the never-ending linoleum hallway.
I'll poke my head around the corner Three Stooges style, and as I lay eyes upon him in his little computer nerd nook, I shall contemplate the plan.
After the plan has been carefully contemplated, I shall revel in the last drop of suspense like a pig in a mud wallow.

I shall approach the target with much stealth and/or sneakiness.

I shall heft my fire extinguisher, and carefully unlatch the black nozzle hose thing.

I'm gonna pull the ring (FINALLY. IT HAS TEMPTED ME FOR YEARS)

I'm gonna aim that nozzle. I'm gonna aim it true.

I'm gonna SQUEEZE that handle. I'm gonna squeeze it like it neva' been squozen 'afore.

I'm gonna sweep that nozzle from side to side, and smother his entire unwashed mass of hair in luxurious white foam.

And I'm going to pull a ragged piece of paper out of my left butt pocket, and I'll scan down the bucket list to the third from the bottom.

And I'll check that box labeled "Douse hipster in fire extinguisher foam."

Then I'll walk away.

With this look on my face.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Motherhood. Or At Least What I've Gathered.

My mom is in Rexburg helping my sister take care of my brand new niece, and as such, I am the newly instated mom.

Motherhood tips from Tucker

1. Sesame Street is your friend.

2. So is Caillou and Curious George and The Cat in the Hat Knows a Lot About That and pretty much channel 8 in general.

3. Wall Murals = BAD

4. Especially in Sharpie

5. If you don't feed the children, there is less poop to clean up.

6. It doesn't matter if the outfit matches. Or even if it belongs to that particular child. If the covering does its job and covers the child, that is good enough.

7. Naptime is your friend.

8. Pull-ups are your friend.

9. Pull-ups are your enemy if the child leaves a ......ahem... used.... pull-up in a corner where it quickly acquires mold in something that looks like a fungal carpet....

10. Letting the child go over to a friend's house is a very good decision.

11. Do not just look at the stuttering 4 year old uncomprehendingly and say yes. He might be asking if he can eat every fruit snack in the house.

12. Muddy buddies (puppy chow) are bad for breakfast. Mainly because they get EVERYWHERE. Whoever invented powdered sugar did NOT think of the eventuality of children scattering it everywhere.

13. Also don't leave the muddy buddies in a highly accessible spot, such as the counter. I recommend an armored vault.

14. Don't expect to get anything done. At all.

15. Don't leave the staples out. They'll get all over, and you'll bloody up your foot.

16. Bloodied up feet make bigger messes, so just keep the staples out of reach.

Also if you are my mom reading this while you are away in Idaho, I'm kidding. It's all in jest.

To anyone else...


Thursday, May 5, 2011

Ain't gonna...


I .....

I spent a long time trying to figure out a couple things

1. Is that a boy or a girl?

2. Is that Moses?

3. ... Is the child going to pee pee his bed tonight?

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Official Tucker Recommendation


Preheat oven to 300 degrees

1. Get 2 pounds of chocolate raisins.
2. Get a bread pan
3. FIll it with the raisins.
4. Put it in the oven
5. Let melt for 4 minutes.
6. Remove from oven and place immediately in the fridge. 
7. Let stand in fridge for 30 minutes.
8. Remove from fridge


I call it CRB. Or Chocolate Raisin Brick.