A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet special look into the mind of Tucker

A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet ... special look into the mind of Tucker

Wednesday, April 27, 2011


I must admit.

I'm something of a ladies man. 

Unfortunately, this can lead to all MANNER of problems. Usually with stalkers who desire my lady killing qualities for their own.

Creepy women following me is nothing new, but.... Sally (Name has been changed) was a bit of an exception. She.... she took stalker to a new level.

I was sitting in my dorm room probably doing homework or something else unimportant, and I get a text from an unidentified number.

"Hey do you wanna come over and make cookies?"

"Who is this?"

"Guess :D lol" 

(lol.............................. I HATE lol.)

"I really have no idea. Just tell me."

"Ok.... fine. It's Sally."

*Tucker immediately goes to the photo directory which lists the picture and phone number of everyone in my ward. Find Sally. Never met her before.* (Yes there is a Ward Photo Directory. Also known as the creep sheet, the ward menu, or stalker's daydream.)

"Hello Sally. I regret to inform you that I have to go to class. Perhaps another time."

"But you don't have class for another 45 minutes!"

CUE CREEPED OUT. How does she know when my classes are? How does she know me? Why did she have to pick me? (Obviously my devilish good looks. Duh.) Does she really want me to make cookies or is there some other plan that involves her trying to sidle up to me and cuddle? (shudder.)

"How do you know when my classes are?"

"A little birdie told me."


"Well I'm going to class talk to you later."

"Ok baby!"

I go to class stewing and thinking and wondering about who the heck this girl is and where she gets off.

I return home and think nothing of it.

That evening I get another text.

"Hey cutie. Wanna go to the temple?"

"I'm actually already planning on going to the temple tomorrow morning. Sorry!"

"You are SOO worthy." *seduction voice*

I pretend like I never got that text, because what the heck am I supposed to say to that anyway?

The next day I continue along my merry chick magnet way, and what should happen? Sally shows up.

So I walk to the side pretending I don't see her when she approaches me. She lays a hand on my arm (SHUDDER) and asks if I want to play guitars with her.

When confronted with a direct invitation, I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so I accepted.

We decided Thursday would be a good time, and we decided upon a place to meet and everything. She kept saying something about "I'm not very good. You'll probably have to teach me. You should teach me a song!"

Well Thursday rolls around and I am where I'm supposed to be when I'm supposed to be there, and it's a good thing she was only 9 minutes late, because I was going home if it got to be 10 minutes over.

Or maybe it was a bad thing.

She proceeded to divulge her whole 16 years of life with me. (16. Yes. 16. As a college freshman. I'm 18 at the time.) All the boys who have mentally abused her and the men she's fallen in love with. Some dude she couldn't get over, wrote him a song. Very reminiscent of Taylor Swift lyrics wise. Then she started hinting at her...... uh................. she....................................... she wanted to get closer than I did and I started feeling uncomfortable. I picked up my guitar and starting packing it up, using the excuse that I had homework to do, and I went inside. She waved goodbye, and as I walked up the stairs to my apartment, "Maybe we can do this again sometime cutie!"

That night when I was getting ready to go sleep, I got a text.

"Goodnight hotstuff! See you later!"

Yeah. Maybe...........


  1. You are away from her in Mesa, right? Glad you survived!

  2. How on earth do you have stalkers?! You're about as magnetic as week-old, crusty baby poo.

  3. That's just the price you pay for being so dang good lookin'!!

  4. Wow Tucker... This beats any Stalker story I have had.

  5. first of all, this was forever ago. But still funny. :) 2nd of all, you're leaving out crucial parts. Such as the seductive dancing/feeling up your back. And wasn't some of the texting just megan trying to freak you out? Just sayin'. ;)

  6. Wasn't there a quote about you being yummy or delicious or something? That was my favorite part :)