A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet special look into the mind of Tucker

A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet ... special look into the mind of Tucker

Monday, April 11, 2011

Revisiting Traumas Past.

I think it's finally time... I need to tell y'all of an experience that I had that traumatized me, and I haven't... *sniff* been able to talk about it until now. 

It's just too painful.

It's called the "Dating Game."

And this happened in June. Of 2010. 

Ok....... Breathe. 

So I was at freshman orientation, and they had some activities going down, and the subject of the dating game came up. Essentially, the deal with it is that there's this girl, and we all get to see her, and hear a little bit about her, then we fill out little surveys about ourselves, and go stand on the stage, where she eliminates us based upon our answers to the questions. 

So the girl gets up there, and she introduces herself as Brooke Tucker.

That moment I knew. 




We were destined for eternal marriage for obvious reasons (just as obviously for people who know my geneology a little better, this could pose a problem as my mother's maiden name is Jennifer Tucker, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it) and I was determined to win this contest. Once she has eliminated enough guys with the survey, she'll choose from the top ten guys by asking them questions and letting them respond over the mike. The whole time, she's behind a curtain so she can't see who answers what question. 

I know I'm not Rick Astley, but fortunately, this contest isn't based on looks. It's based on wit and charm and clever banter. Which, OBVIOUSLY, I excel at to the nth degree. I was certain that if I could just make it to the top ten, I could win her heart, and the glory that came with it.

**ASIDE. The dating game is actually not about the girl. You know how Jasmine says in Aladdin that she's not a prize to be won? Wrong. In the dating game, you are a prize to be won, so shush and deal with it. You volunteered to have men clamoring for your Friday night, now stop complaining.**

So we get up there, and I survive the first question. I can't remember what it was, but it was quite obvious which answer she would pick. It was something like, "Do you wash your hands after you go to the bathroom? Yes or No?"

We all knew she was gonna say yes, and only men whose answers matched hers could stay on the stage for one more round.

The second question was something along the lines of "do you spend 704940 dollars a month on clothing?"

To which I honestly answered no.

She said yes.




I was prematurely (and forcefully) ejected from the stage.

I had to be dragged off by the two African-american bouncers (20% of the black population of BYU)

I had lost my chance at glory, fame, and prestige.

Forever down the tubes. 

Needless to say I was disappointed.

To make the whole matter worse, as I walked down the aisle to my seat, I tripped on something, and practically fell on my face. 

Which was awesome, because not only did everyone see that, but also everyone. So that was awesome.
(UNINTENTIONAL CHIASMUS THAT WAS UNINTENTIONAL) (Ok that one was intentional.)

Anyway, so the dude that eventually got the glory date was a total hoser. Not really. He was kinda cool I guess, but let me tell you right now, he stood NO chance against my superior sarcasm and wit. And also charm. And also stellarly awesome voice. He was not even that witty.

For instance, one of the questions was, "what would your ideal date be?"

And he said something along the lines of "I'll take her shopping"

FOOL  THIS IS NOT HOW YOU ROMANCE A WOMAN. ROMANCING A WOMAN ENTAILS MULTIPLE STRINGED INSTRUMENTS (quartets are nice, but ukuleles suffice) AND ALSO TENDER LOVE SONGS BY ELVIS. OR ARMI JA DANNY.

AND ALSO ICE CREAM AND CHOCOLATE.

See me? I have this whole women thing handled. And obviously Ms. Tucker is never gonna be Mrs. Brooke Tucker Denton, because she can't even discern awesomeness from the other side of a thin blue curtain.

Hoser.

I didn't wanna go on a date with her anyway,

4 comments:

  1. Rick Astley? Aren't you of the wrong generation to be referencing him?

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  2. Apparently your tactics only work on certain women. I think you'll get over it....eventually... ;)

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  3. I can't believe you just Rick Rolled your readers! Hahah! Genius!

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  4. Hahaha Brooke was in my summer ward! I totally remember this game...but if it helps, I don't recall you tripping. Plus, you guys wouldn't have worked out anyways...super different personalities. :)

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