A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet special look into the mind of Tucker

A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet ... special look into the mind of Tucker

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Freshman Mentoring.

First you need some background about the freshman mentoring program. If you know about it already, and are already ticked off about it, please read on so as to re-enrage yourself.

Freshman mentoring is the bane of every single college student's existence. Every one of them wants to punch freshman mentoring in the face. (except like 6, but we don't count them.)

You that are blissfully ignorant of the freshman mentoring program might be a little confused. Perhaps you're a Quaker, and don't like to punch people in faces, you only like oatmeal. Well you would forsake your pacifistic beliefs if freshman mentoring did to you what it does to me.

FIRST. They force you to sign up for something called a "bundle" *shudder* which entails taking the classes they want you to take when they want you to take them, completely throwing off your entire schedule. Purposefully.

SECOND They put you in cutesy little groups and make you walk around campus holding hands and going to all your classes together.

THIRD They annoy you ceaselessly with full-color emails. Here is a legitimate example: (this is a real copy paste email from my freshman mentor. The only thing changed is the mentor's name) And keep in mind that this happens at least 5 times a week, and NOBODY EVER EVER goes to these stupid activities.

Re: URGENT!!!!!!

Made you look!   ;)
Unless you are dying of fever or you have a really hot date....
 I want to see you tomorrow at:
Legends Grill 6pm (Go down the RB stairs and it's the glass part of the Smith Field House)
GAME NIGHT 7-9pm Bowen Hall Basement (Bowen is the hall closest to campus with a #1 on it)
Bring a game/ treat to share !
It's about time we had some serious FUN TOGETHER!

--Arm Pitt
Freshman Mentoring

Is your head hurting yet?

FOURTH They do the creepiest thing yet, and they find out where you live, and they come to your door, and they bring you a note congratulating you on surviving midterms and they ask if they can come in and interview you. They proceed to ask you personal questions about things you don't wanna talk about, then leave only after giving you a big bear hug with a little hair-stroking thrown in.
It looks something like this.
FINALLY The semester is over, and just when you think you are rid of their creepy Joker smiles and ceaseless emails.... You get another email.

Asking for your opinion of freshman mentoring in three short free response questions.

That was your worst mistake.

1. If you could change anything about the Freshman Mentoring Program what would it be?

I would first change it's planet of origin. I recommend Jupiter for the relocation. Two reasons.
1. There's no air there.
2. If you don't suffocate by some miracle, you'll be crushed by excessive gravitational forces of peril.
Then I would change the fact of mandatoriness. Let the four people in the entire school who want a mentor have one. The rest of us would rather choke on spittle.
After mandatoriness has been eliminated, we REALLY need to jettison the mentors. It is not a coincidence that "mentor" and "mental" sound so similar. They're all completely insane and NOT helpful (disclaimer, I have not actually met ALL of the freshman mentors; however, my sampling has been VERY poor). 
After the mentors are lost in a vacuum, stop the mother lovin' email lists. Just STOP. Seriously.

2. Do you feel like having a peer mentor made a difference in your first year at BYU?   How so?

For the rest of time, I will cringe at the word bundle. I have a permanent aversion to pink font, and I have become a more violent, less patient person. In conjunction with my new twitching problem, I now hate the word mentor and everything that comes with it, I am scarred emotionally and physically. Does that count as change?

3. If an incoming freshman were to ask you about the program what would you tell them?  Would you give them any advice?

Evade it. Run screaming with your hands in the air before you’ll succumb. Plead insanity. Cry until they let you off the hook. Whatever you need to do.
If you can't get out of the program, hide from your mentor. Give the school a false email, do NOT under ANY circumstances ask your mentor a question, for this is akin to feeding a starving rabid dog of death.  
When you feed them once, they keep returning for job gratification, and eventually they'll suck you dry. And make you look like them. Which is bad for dates.

In conclusion, the Freshman Mentoring Program stinks to high heaven. A big fat nasty stink of death and decay. Death, decay, and stinky nastles. Of sickness and disease. and other things that smell bad too.


  1. I would liken Freshman Mentoring to the battlefields of the Jaredites. They stunk so bad that all the people complained.

  2. YES!!!!!!!!!! I agree with everything this says.

  3. I'm going to avoid this... HELP!

  4. You have learned well, young Patawon. Welcome to my life: an email every other day, "Hey Shannon, can we meet and talk?" My response every other day: "Go die in a hole!"

  5. I can sense the bitterness.
    And . . . I'm obviously not the only one who doesn't know how to spell padawan.

  6. I read this title and KNEW I was going to love/agree with everything in this post! And I do. I hate hate Double Hate LOATHE ENTIRELY the whole program. I ripped them to shreds in their little survey.

  7. I feel kind of bad for having mentors who are actually good people and don't ever bug me now...

  8. too bad you weren't a freshman three years ago when mentoring wasn't mandatory. those were the days...

  9. And now you have 2 whole years off to look forward to Sophomore Mentoring :) ...it's a brand new program ;)