A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet special look into the mind of Tucker

A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet ... special look into the mind of Tucker

Sunday, April 17, 2011

75 Fun Things to do in the Testing Center

In honor of finals week, I have renovated and improved my most popular post ever.


75 fun things to do at the testing center
  1. Go up to the desk and ask for a test from a random class, when they say they don’t have it, look panicked and run out.
  2. Return 10 minutes later and ask for a different test. Continue this procedure indefinitely.
  3. Softly hum “How does she know that you love her?” From Enchanted, but only that one phrase with the steel drum. “How does she know that you love her… How does she know that you love her… How does she know that you love her…..”
  4. Stretch backwards with your arms above your head and “inadvertently” hit the person behind you. Apologize. Repeat.
  5. Bring Starbursts or some other individually wrapped candy and unwrap them. Loudly.
  6. Bring a pile of about 30 #2 pencils. Pile them on your desk so that they constantly roll off. See how long the person next to you will pick them up before they pretend not to see it.
  7. Place your nose a generous 5 inches from the paper. Do not remove nose until finished.
  8. Whisper to yourself loudly about how to do a math problem while taking a civilization test.
  9. Leave your backpack in the extremely narrow isle. Do not move it even when someone looks at you weird or steps over it.
  10. Bring a razor and shave in line so as to be in keeping with the clean shaven policy. This is best done with shaving cream and a dry razor. If you want to chant to yourself “Comfort of 5 blade precision of one… comfort of five blades precision of one….” Please do so.
  11. Bring M&Ms and give one to each person who walks by you.
  12. Click your pen. A lot.
  13. Two words. Bubble wrap.
  14. Fall asleep repeatedly and wake up suddenly with many jerky movements.
  15. Bring a calculator to the test and ask if you can use it on your writing exam.
  16. When they tell you no with the calculator, act extremely surprised and offended.
  17. Return to the desk and ask them if they gave you the right test. 3 times.
  18. Find a squeaky desk. Enjoy.
  19. Ask the person next to you for a pencil. Break it. Ask if they have any more.
  20. Ask the employees watching you while you take a test how much a bribe costs.
  21. Bring a bucket. When someone asks why, look at them like they just asked why you have pants on.
  22. Wear flip-flops. Flip them loudly and obnoxiously.
  23. Chew gum.  Smack.
  24. Bring playing cards or CDs. Throw them like ninja stars when no one is looking.
  25. Bounce your legs on the chair in front of you.
  26. Record a strange gurgling noise on a tape recorder, put the tape recorder in your backpack with a time delay. Whisper “SHHHHHH” to your backpack whenever it gurgles.
  27. Start laughing hysterically.  When people look at you, stop. Then start again.
  28. Sharpen your pencil every two minutes.
  29. Bring a drink with a bendy straw. Bend it incessantly and slurp from it obnoxiously.
  30. Get up from your desk and move every 10 minutes. If the employees ask you why, explain that you are being followed, and it’s imperative that they do not find you.
  31. Quietly ask yourself “B or C? B or C? B or C?” For at least 2 minutes.
  32. Fake throwing up. (I recommend applesauce)
  33. Bring a TV dinner.
  34. Stick your leg out when people pass. Apologize profusely if they trip.
  35. Whisper C C C C C C C C C C C C as you bubble in your paper. Turn in your paper after about 5 minutes.
  36. Set your ringtone for ABC by the Jackson 5. Put your phone on full volume, have a friend call you at least twice.
  37. Start hyperventilating. Bring a paper bag.
  38. Take your test standing up in the back.
  39. Initiate footsies with the woman in front of you.
  40. When she looks at you indignantly, wink.
  41. Poke the person in front of you with a pencil until they turn around. Act really into your test. I suggest #7. Repeat.
  42. Drum your pencil. Attempt to get a rhythm section together.
  43. Bring Bose noise cancelling headphones. Hum loudly until someone touches you (Do not respond even if you can hear someone telling you to be quiet) When someone touches you to get your attention, recoil and whisper BAD TOUCH.
  44. Shout HALLELUJAH when you get up after finishing. Walk triumphantly to the door and turn in your test. Return about 10 seconds later for your backpack.
  45. Strike up a conversation with the guy picking up your test while there are 5 people behind you waiting to turn theirs in.
  46. Skip merrily down the stairs humming a Christmas song and open the door. Abruptly stop skipping, singing, and merriment. Let your mouth hang open for a moment, then walk calmly out of the center.
  47. Write notes with random names on them like “ASHLEY!!!! GREAT JOB ON YOUR MARRIAGE AND FAMILY LIFE TEST!!! WILL YOU MARRY ME?  A) YES B) MAYBE C) DEFINITELY D) CAN’T WE JUST BE FRIENDS? LOVE, Jim” Or “ JENNY!!!!! I hope the Chemistry test went better than you hoped. Here’s hoping for a D!!!  Love, Your boyfriend.”  Put them on the little ledge.
  48. Stand as close as you possibly can to the screen displaying scores and look disbelievingly at your ID card then your test score, then your ID card, then the screen again. Walk away discouraged.
  49. Do a heel click off the steps as you leave.
  50. Stay just outside the door and cheer crazily for everyone who walks out. Especially if they look dejected.
  51. Bring a kazoo
  52. Wear a Santa suit in April
  53. Stand by the entrance and point vigorously at everyone who enters and enthusiastically say "A!!! A!!!! A!!!!!!!!"
  54. Wear an obviously fake beard, just to see what the officiators say. (seriously, I wanna know)
  55. Spray Axe "accidentally" as you enter.
  56. Put in your contacts at your desk.
  57. Ask people if your pencil scratching is annoying. Ask repeatedly.
  58. Chant "So help me Jimmer, so help me Jimmer so help me Jimmer" as you go.
  59. Bring an obscenely creepy doll and put it on your desk.
           I recommend this one.

60. Talk to the doll throughout the test, asking him (her?) questions.
61. Bring the "environmentally friendly" Sun Chips bags. You don't even have to TRY with that one.
62. Go in the center and ask people what test they're taking. When you find someone who responds, say "Oh awesome! Me too! Can I sit next to you?"
63. Stand at the front of the line to get your test, when the employee beckons you, shift from foot to foot for a minute, then let the person in front of you go. Repeat. Repeatedly.
64. Grow out a beard for a week. When they tell you to shave, claim you did this morning.
65. Don't wear shoes.
66. Bring one of those jangly stress balls with the bells inside, and keep it on your desk. Occasionally (meaning pretty much the entire time you're in the center) rub it around in your palm so it jingles its faint jingly sound.
67. When someone tells you to stop, say sorry, and stop for anywhere between 15-60 seconds. Depending on how angry they are.
68. Take a break. Leave your stuff at the desk, walk around for a while, make small talk with the supervising employees. Take as long as you want.
69. Bounce happily throughout the test. Especially if you sit in one of the chairs with the springy back!
70. Stand in line and see how many people you can get singing Disney songs with you. I recommend using Lion King. Possibly Hakuna Matata
71. Now that you've been successful in line, try it in the testing room.
72. Wear a complete collection of good luck charms. A LARGE complete collection of good luck charms. When people ask, simply say "American Heritage" in a glum voice.
73. Bring in a George Foreman grill and make bacon.
74. Bring a boom box. Play Party in the U.S.A. by Miley Cyrus. That song has the perfect jerking beat.
75. Tape a piece of paper over the TV that says scores with comments next to them, such as 100% Teacher's pet... 89% 5 more minutes of studying could've gotten you an A...  77% You are "Average +" congrats! 55% You can do better! 15% Well... you tried.


Good luck on your finals!!!

4 comments:

  1. Haha! Love this! I can't very well try it in the testing center yet, but I might just try them in the library or during a test in class :) Haha!

    --Erika Crandall

    ReplyDelete
  2. "So help me Jimmer" ....I coined that phrase thankyouverymuch.

    ReplyDelete
  3. my favorites are #26, #30 and #73. Jono would appreciate that last one :) Tucker you never fail to make my day with your blog. thanks for that :D

    ReplyDelete
  4. These are amazing. Charlotte and I had a great laugh over them! You're the greatest!

    ReplyDelete