A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet special look into the mind of Tucker

A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet ... special look into the mind of Tucker

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Sally

I must admit.

I'm something of a ladies man. 

Unfortunately, this can lead to all MANNER of problems. Usually with stalkers who desire my lady killing qualities for their own.

Creepy women following me is nothing new, but.... Sally (Name has been changed) was a bit of an exception. She.... she took stalker to a new level.

I was sitting in my dorm room probably doing homework or something else unimportant, and I get a text from an unidentified number.

"Hey do you wanna come over and make cookies?"

"Who is this?"

"Guess :D lol" 

(lol.............................. I HATE lol.)

"I really have no idea. Just tell me."

"Ok.... fine. It's Sally."

*Tucker immediately goes to the photo directory which lists the picture and phone number of everyone in my ward. Find Sally. Never met her before.* (Yes there is a Ward Photo Directory. Also known as the creep sheet, the ward menu, or stalker's daydream.)

"Hello Sally. I regret to inform you that I have to go to class. Perhaps another time."

"But you don't have class for another 45 minutes!"

CUE CREEPED OUT. How does she know when my classes are? How does she know me? Why did she have to pick me? (Obviously my devilish good looks. Duh.) Does she really want me to make cookies or is there some other plan that involves her trying to sidle up to me and cuddle? (shudder.)

"How do you know when my classes are?"

"A little birdie told me."

ULTRACREEP

"Well I'm going to class talk to you later."

"Ok baby!"
Baby?

I go to class stewing and thinking and wondering about who the heck this girl is and where she gets off.

I return home and think nothing of it.

That evening I get another text.

"Hey cutie. Wanna go to the temple?"

"I'm actually already planning on going to the temple tomorrow morning. Sorry!"

"You are SOO worthy." *seduction voice*

I pretend like I never got that text, because what the heck am I supposed to say to that anyway?

The next day I continue along my merry chick magnet way, and what should happen? Sally shows up.

So I walk to the side pretending I don't see her when she approaches me. She lays a hand on my arm (SHUDDER) and asks if I want to play guitars with her.

When confronted with a direct invitation, I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so I accepted.

We decided Thursday would be a good time, and we decided upon a place to meet and everything. She kept saying something about "I'm not very good. You'll probably have to teach me. You should teach me a song!"

Well Thursday rolls around and I am where I'm supposed to be when I'm supposed to be there, and it's a good thing she was only 9 minutes late, because I was going home if it got to be 10 minutes over.

Or maybe it was a bad thing.

She proceeded to divulge her whole 16 years of life with me. (16. Yes. 16. As a college freshman. I'm 18 at the time.) All the boys who have mentally abused her and the men she's fallen in love with. Some dude she couldn't get over, wrote him a song. Very reminiscent of Taylor Swift lyrics wise. Then she started hinting at her...... uh................. she....................................... she wanted to get closer than I did and I started feeling uncomfortable. I picked up my guitar and starting packing it up, using the excuse that I had homework to do, and I went inside. She waved goodbye, and as I walked up the stairs to my apartment, "Maybe we can do this again sometime cutie!"

That night when I was getting ready to go sleep, I got a text.

"Goodnight hotstuff! See you later!"



Yeah. Maybe...........

Monday, April 25, 2011

Welcome Home Tucker!

So I arrived home in Arizona late Friday night. The flight was QUITE interesting, but it's kinda a geography experience (which means you had to be there) so I won't go into it, but suffice it to say that SkyMall is amusing at best.

Saturday, my mother took me to get some of the necessary raiment for my mission, and we pulled into the parking lot and walked into the small store. We took the number 28 and looked around looking for items I would need, pointing to some.things in Espanol (which I will be speaking on my mission) and generally just waiting for our number to be called.


If you know what Beehive Clothing or a Church Distribution Center is, imagine this happening there. If you don't, pretend I didn't say anything.


Our number ended up being called and we walked up to the counter where the woman that was explaining to me all the different styles and fabrics and types of clothing I would need. At one point, she asked me my waist size. I responded with a confident "34"  at which point my mother vocalizes her opinion on how big around my derrière is "32."

I told her how the underwear I wear is size 34. She continued to disagree.

In order to prove herself, she tells me to turn around.

I will never. EVER. EVEREVEREVER do that again.

As soon as I'm not looking, she starts yanking on the waistband of my pants and perusing her index finger around down in that region.

I (understandably) flipped out a little bit.

I was quite surprised, and as such I jumped. A lot.

Just to give you some perspective, I want to be in the medical field. I have little or no reservation talking about just about anything. I have had lengthy discussions about menstrual cycles, urination, menopause, tampons vs. maxi pads debate, pretty much everything you can imagine that boys hate. I'm also pretty dang hard to embarrass. I don't blush, I don't care, I don't mind.

Except of course when my maternal parent commences with the perusing of the upper buttocks. NOT acceptable.  I know I don't like touching, but that doesn't usually embarrass me, just bug me.

My mom couldn't see what the big deal was as she triumphantly called out 32. (So I don't know my waist size.  I'm a man. Sue me.) The lady at the counter looked even less phased than my mother, and I turned to my mother whispering harshly, "Does no one have any decency in this place?"

My mom retorted condescendingly with "No one even saw."

About thirty seconds of a complete blush accompanied by a sinister frown, the man next to us leans over and whispers, "Totally saw that."

Dear readers. Here's the question. Was this an invasion of privacy? Or was this simply motherly instinct to yank open the waistband of an adult male in public and peruse around inside?

Sunday, April 17, 2011

75 Fun Things to do in the Testing Center

In honor of finals week, I have renovated and improved my most popular post ever.


75 fun things to do at the testing center
  1. Go up to the desk and ask for a test from a random class, when they say they don’t have it, look panicked and run out.
  2. Return 10 minutes later and ask for a different test. Continue this procedure indefinitely.
  3. Softly hum “How does she know that you love her?” From Enchanted, but only that one phrase with the steel drum. “How does she know that you love her… How does she know that you love her… How does she know that you love her…..”
  4. Stretch backwards with your arms above your head and “inadvertently” hit the person behind you. Apologize. Repeat.
  5. Bring Starbursts or some other individually wrapped candy and unwrap them. Loudly.
  6. Bring a pile of about 30 #2 pencils. Pile them on your desk so that they constantly roll off. See how long the person next to you will pick them up before they pretend not to see it.
  7. Place your nose a generous 5 inches from the paper. Do not remove nose until finished.
  8. Whisper to yourself loudly about how to do a math problem while taking a civilization test.
  9. Leave your backpack in the extremely narrow isle. Do not move it even when someone looks at you weird or steps over it.
  10. Bring a razor and shave in line so as to be in keeping with the clean shaven policy. This is best done with shaving cream and a dry razor. If you want to chant to yourself “Comfort of 5 blade precision of one… comfort of five blades precision of one….” Please do so.
  11. Bring M&Ms and give one to each person who walks by you.
  12. Click your pen. A lot.
  13. Two words. Bubble wrap.
  14. Fall asleep repeatedly and wake up suddenly with many jerky movements.
  15. Bring a calculator to the test and ask if you can use it on your writing exam.
  16. When they tell you no with the calculator, act extremely surprised and offended.
  17. Return to the desk and ask them if they gave you the right test. 3 times.
  18. Find a squeaky desk. Enjoy.
  19. Ask the person next to you for a pencil. Break it. Ask if they have any more.
  20. Ask the employees watching you while you take a test how much a bribe costs.
  21. Bring a bucket. When someone asks why, look at them like they just asked why you have pants on.
  22. Wear flip-flops. Flip them loudly and obnoxiously.
  23. Chew gum.  Smack.
  24. Bring playing cards or CDs. Throw them like ninja stars when no one is looking.
  25. Bounce your legs on the chair in front of you.
  26. Record a strange gurgling noise on a tape recorder, put the tape recorder in your backpack with a time delay. Whisper “SHHHHHH” to your backpack whenever it gurgles.
  27. Start laughing hysterically.  When people look at you, stop. Then start again.
  28. Sharpen your pencil every two minutes.
  29. Bring a drink with a bendy straw. Bend it incessantly and slurp from it obnoxiously.
  30. Get up from your desk and move every 10 minutes. If the employees ask you why, explain that you are being followed, and it’s imperative that they do not find you.
  31. Quietly ask yourself “B or C? B or C? B or C?” For at least 2 minutes.
  32. Fake throwing up. (I recommend applesauce)
  33. Bring a TV dinner.
  34. Stick your leg out when people pass. Apologize profusely if they trip.
  35. Whisper C C C C C C C C C C C C as you bubble in your paper. Turn in your paper after about 5 minutes.
  36. Set your ringtone for ABC by the Jackson 5. Put your phone on full volume, have a friend call you at least twice.
  37. Start hyperventilating. Bring a paper bag.
  38. Take your test standing up in the back.
  39. Initiate footsies with the woman in front of you.
  40. When she looks at you indignantly, wink.
  41. Poke the person in front of you with a pencil until they turn around. Act really into your test. I suggest #7. Repeat.
  42. Drum your pencil. Attempt to get a rhythm section together.
  43. Bring Bose noise cancelling headphones. Hum loudly until someone touches you (Do not respond even if you can hear someone telling you to be quiet) When someone touches you to get your attention, recoil and whisper BAD TOUCH.
  44. Shout HALLELUJAH when you get up after finishing. Walk triumphantly to the door and turn in your test. Return about 10 seconds later for your backpack.
  45. Strike up a conversation with the guy picking up your test while there are 5 people behind you waiting to turn theirs in.
  46. Skip merrily down the stairs humming a Christmas song and open the door. Abruptly stop skipping, singing, and merriment. Let your mouth hang open for a moment, then walk calmly out of the center.
  47. Write notes with random names on them like “ASHLEY!!!! GREAT JOB ON YOUR MARRIAGE AND FAMILY LIFE TEST!!! WILL YOU MARRY ME?  A) YES B) MAYBE C) DEFINITELY D) CAN’T WE JUST BE FRIENDS? LOVE, Jim” Or “ JENNY!!!!! I hope the Chemistry test went better than you hoped. Here’s hoping for a D!!!  Love, Your boyfriend.”  Put them on the little ledge.
  48. Stand as close as you possibly can to the screen displaying scores and look disbelievingly at your ID card then your test score, then your ID card, then the screen again. Walk away discouraged.
  49. Do a heel click off the steps as you leave.
  50. Stay just outside the door and cheer crazily for everyone who walks out. Especially if they look dejected.
  51. Bring a kazoo
  52. Wear a Santa suit in April
  53. Stand by the entrance and point vigorously at everyone who enters and enthusiastically say "A!!! A!!!! A!!!!!!!!"
  54. Wear an obviously fake beard, just to see what the officiators say. (seriously, I wanna know)
  55. Spray Axe "accidentally" as you enter.
  56. Put in your contacts at your desk.
  57. Ask people if your pencil scratching is annoying. Ask repeatedly.
  58. Chant "So help me Jimmer, so help me Jimmer so help me Jimmer" as you go.
  59. Bring an obscenely creepy doll and put it on your desk.
           I recommend this one.

60. Talk to the doll throughout the test, asking him (her?) questions.
61. Bring the "environmentally friendly" Sun Chips bags. You don't even have to TRY with that one.
62. Go in the center and ask people what test they're taking. When you find someone who responds, say "Oh awesome! Me too! Can I sit next to you?"
63. Stand at the front of the line to get your test, when the employee beckons you, shift from foot to foot for a minute, then let the person in front of you go. Repeat. Repeatedly.
64. Grow out a beard for a week. When they tell you to shave, claim you did this morning.
65. Don't wear shoes.
66. Bring one of those jangly stress balls with the bells inside, and keep it on your desk. Occasionally (meaning pretty much the entire time you're in the center) rub it around in your palm so it jingles its faint jingly sound.
67. When someone tells you to stop, say sorry, and stop for anywhere between 15-60 seconds. Depending on how angry they are.
68. Take a break. Leave your stuff at the desk, walk around for a while, make small talk with the supervising employees. Take as long as you want.
69. Bounce happily throughout the test. Especially if you sit in one of the chairs with the springy back!
70. Stand in line and see how many people you can get singing Disney songs with you. I recommend using Lion King. Possibly Hakuna Matata
71. Now that you've been successful in line, try it in the testing room.
72. Wear a complete collection of good luck charms. A LARGE complete collection of good luck charms. When people ask, simply say "American Heritage" in a glum voice.
73. Bring in a George Foreman grill and make bacon.
74. Bring a boom box. Play Party in the U.S.A. by Miley Cyrus. That song has the perfect jerking beat.
75. Tape a piece of paper over the TV that says scores with comments next to them, such as 100% Teacher's pet... 89% 5 more minutes of studying could've gotten you an A...  77% You are "Average +" congrats! 55% You can do better! 15% Well... you tried.


Good luck on your finals!!!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

What NOT to do When Trying to Impress a Woman

As I've said before, BYU is a place of love. A place of tender, tender love, and with the last day of classes rolling around, people are starting to get that "last chance" mentality. This is full of amusement for me and anyone who happens upon one of these "last confessions."


In fact, it's even more amusing when the man who desperately needs to confess his love accidentally sends the letter to the entire social dance class. Wait did I say accidentally? Oh, that was just the sane person inside of me. He KNOWINGLY sent an email that went out to the ENTIRE MOTHER-LOVING CLASS... You know what? I'll just let you read for yourself the email I received.

(name has been changed)

Hey Hanna, 

This is Doofus Mcgee from class. I know the majority of our class will get this email, but I felt like I have to say something. I know I should have just asked you in person, but I'm really acting out of desperation now because I didn't talk to you myself. But I am a bit of a sucker for brunettes... From the beginning of the semester and even until now, I've felt like you would be somebody I would really like to get to know better. I feel like such a goon for resorting to something like this, when usually I have no problem approaching girls. But what I'm trying to say is, you've had an impression on me and I feel like I want to explore it. However, since the time I asked you to dance with me for the Fox Trot, and you said you were already dancing with someone else, I thought that was my que to leave you alone. But the more I was around you, the more inclined I was to try something with you, but the doubt still remained. I like you.....thats what I'm trying to say. I didn't want to end the semester without telling you. Please respond and don't be afraid to tell me how it is. you can respond to me at DoofusMcgee30@hotmail.com or find me on facebook. I'm from West Jordan, Ut if that helps. Thanks

Doofus Mcgee



The scary part about this is he was SERIOUS. he was serious folks. (also, he's stupid. You can isolate who you send the email to via the class email list.... way to impress the ladies bro.) He tried to confess his love over email. This.... THIS IS A PROBLEM.

Like I said before, "FOOL! THIS IS NOT HOW YOU ROMANCE A WOMAN. ROMANCING A WOMAN ENTAILS MULTIPLE STRINGED INSTRUMENTS (quartets are nice, but ukuleles suffice) AND ALSO TENDER LOVE SONGS BY ELVIS. OR ARMI JA DANNY."

I have therefore decided that the men of BYU need romance lessons from me. 

(Hint: turtlenecks=seduction)

(Other hint: KIDDING)

Here's the deal brethren. Don't suck. In romance or other areas of life. If you get the urge to email your secret love about your tender feelings for her, don't. Text messaging is not any better. I can feel this evolving into a romance help session, and actually that would be a pretty hilarious post, so if you have any questions for me, by all means. Ask.

Really. 

Email: romanceproblemsolving@gmail.com

Monday, April 11, 2011

Revisiting Traumas Past.

I think it's finally time... I need to tell y'all of an experience that I had that traumatized me, and I haven't... *sniff* been able to talk about it until now. 

It's just too painful.

It's called the "Dating Game."

And this happened in June. Of 2010. 

Ok....... Breathe. 

So I was at freshman orientation, and they had some activities going down, and the subject of the dating game came up. Essentially, the deal with it is that there's this girl, and we all get to see her, and hear a little bit about her, then we fill out little surveys about ourselves, and go stand on the stage, where she eliminates us based upon our answers to the questions. 

So the girl gets up there, and she introduces herself as Brooke Tucker.

That moment I knew. 




We were destined for eternal marriage for obvious reasons (just as obviously for people who know my geneology a little better, this could pose a problem as my mother's maiden name is Jennifer Tucker, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it) and I was determined to win this contest. Once she has eliminated enough guys with the survey, she'll choose from the top ten guys by asking them questions and letting them respond over the mike. The whole time, she's behind a curtain so she can't see who answers what question. 

I know I'm not Rick Astley, but fortunately, this contest isn't based on looks. It's based on wit and charm and clever banter. Which, OBVIOUSLY, I excel at to the nth degree. I was certain that if I could just make it to the top ten, I could win her heart, and the glory that came with it.

**ASIDE. The dating game is actually not about the girl. You know how Jasmine says in Aladdin that she's not a prize to be won? Wrong. In the dating game, you are a prize to be won, so shush and deal with it. You volunteered to have men clamoring for your Friday night, now stop complaining.**

So we get up there, and I survive the first question. I can't remember what it was, but it was quite obvious which answer she would pick. It was something like, "Do you wash your hands after you go to the bathroom? Yes or No?"

We all knew she was gonna say yes, and only men whose answers matched hers could stay on the stage for one more round.

The second question was something along the lines of "do you spend 704940 dollars a month on clothing?"

To which I honestly answered no.

She said yes.




I was prematurely (and forcefully) ejected from the stage.

I had to be dragged off by the two African-american bouncers (20% of the black population of BYU)

I had lost my chance at glory, fame, and prestige.

Forever down the tubes. 

Needless to say I was disappointed.

To make the whole matter worse, as I walked down the aisle to my seat, I tripped on something, and practically fell on my face. 

Which was awesome, because not only did everyone see that, but also everyone. So that was awesome.
(UNINTENTIONAL CHIASMUS THAT WAS UNINTENTIONAL) (Ok that one was intentional.)

Anyway, so the dude that eventually got the glory date was a total hoser. Not really. He was kinda cool I guess, but let me tell you right now, he stood NO chance against my superior sarcasm and wit. And also charm. And also stellarly awesome voice. He was not even that witty.

For instance, one of the questions was, "what would your ideal date be?"

And he said something along the lines of "I'll take her shopping"

FOOL  THIS IS NOT HOW YOU ROMANCE A WOMAN. ROMANCING A WOMAN ENTAILS MULTIPLE STRINGED INSTRUMENTS (quartets are nice, but ukuleles suffice) AND ALSO TENDER LOVE SONGS BY ELVIS. OR ARMI JA DANNY.

AND ALSO ICE CREAM AND CHOCOLATE.

See me? I have this whole women thing handled. And obviously Ms. Tucker is never gonna be Mrs. Brooke Tucker Denton, because she can't even discern awesomeness from the other side of a thin blue curtain.

Hoser.

I didn't wanna go on a date with her anyway,

Friday, April 8, 2011

My Day

My day.....................


So I woke up, went to chemistry where we discussed things that were not really all that pertinent to chemistry, then I went to work. At work I cavorted and frolicked, and I ate a cookie that was broken (best part of my job, when the cookies break, Tucker eats them) I went and got the pizza, I proposed a genius business plan, I did my job stocking things, and then I clocked out and went home.


Then as I walked home from work I wondered.....


How long has my zipper been down?

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Freshman Mentoring.

First you need some background about the freshman mentoring program. If you know about it already, and are already ticked off about it, please read on so as to re-enrage yourself.

Freshman mentoring is the bane of every single college student's existence. Every one of them wants to punch freshman mentoring in the face. (except like 6, but we don't count them.)

You that are blissfully ignorant of the freshman mentoring program might be a little confused. Perhaps you're a Quaker, and don't like to punch people in faces, you only like oatmeal. Well you would forsake your pacifistic beliefs if freshman mentoring did to you what it does to me.

FIRST. They force you to sign up for something called a "bundle" *shudder* which entails taking the classes they want you to take when they want you to take them, completely throwing off your entire schedule. Purposefully.

SECOND They put you in cutesy little groups and make you walk around campus holding hands and going to all your classes together.

THIRD They annoy you ceaselessly with full-color emails. Here is a legitimate example: (this is a real copy paste email from my freshman mentor. The only thing changed is the mentor's name) And keep in mind that this happens at least 5 times a week, and NOBODY EVER EVER goes to these stupid activities.


Re: URGENT!!!!!!

Made you look!   ;)
 
Unless you are dying of fever or you have a really hot date....
 I want to see you tomorrow at:
 
Legends Grill 6pm (Go down the RB stairs and it's the glass part of the Smith Field House)
 
GAME NIGHT 7-9pm Bowen Hall Basement (Bowen is the hall closest to campus with a #1 on it)
Bring a game/ treat to share !
 
It's about time we had some serious FUN TOGETHER!

--Arm Pitt
Freshman Mentoring




Is your head hurting yet?

FOURTH They do the creepiest thing yet, and they find out where you live, and they come to your door, and they bring you a note congratulating you on surviving midterms and they ask if they can come in and interview you. They proceed to ask you personal questions about things you don't wanna talk about, then leave only after giving you a big bear hug with a little hair-stroking thrown in.
It looks something like this.
FINALLY The semester is over, and just when you think you are rid of their creepy Joker smiles and ceaseless emails.... You get another email.

Asking for your opinion of freshman mentoring in three short free response questions.

That was your worst mistake.


1. If you could change anything about the Freshman Mentoring Program what would it be?

I would first change it's planet of origin. I recommend Jupiter for the relocation. Two reasons.
1. There's no air there.
2. If you don't suffocate by some miracle, you'll be crushed by excessive gravitational forces of peril.
Then I would change the fact of mandatoriness. Let the four people in the entire school who want a mentor have one. The rest of us would rather choke on spittle.
After mandatoriness has been eliminated, we REALLY need to jettison the mentors. It is not a coincidence that "mentor" and "mental" sound so similar. They're all completely insane and NOT helpful (disclaimer, I have not actually met ALL of the freshman mentors; however, my sampling has been VERY poor). 
After the mentors are lost in a vacuum, stop the mother lovin' email lists. Just STOP. Seriously.

2. Do you feel like having a peer mentor made a difference in your first year at BYU?   How so?

For the rest of time, I will cringe at the word bundle. I have a permanent aversion to pink font, and I have become a more violent, less patient person. In conjunction with my new twitching problem, I now hate the word mentor and everything that comes with it, I am scarred emotionally and physically. Does that count as change?

3. If an incoming freshman were to ask you about the program what would you tell them?  Would you give them any advice?

Evade it. Run screaming with your hands in the air before you’ll succumb. Plead insanity. Cry until they let you off the hook. Whatever you need to do.
If you can't get out of the program, hide from your mentor. Give the school a false email, do NOT under ANY circumstances ask your mentor a question, for this is akin to feeding a starving rabid dog of death.  
 
When you feed them once, they keep returning for job gratification, and eventually they'll suck you dry. And make you look like them. Which is bad for dates.




In conclusion, the Freshman Mentoring Program stinks to high heaven. A big fat nasty stink of death and decay. Death, decay, and stinky nastles. Of sickness and disease. and other things that smell bad too.