A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet special look into the mind of Tucker

A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet ... special look into the mind of Tucker

Monday, March 28, 2011

Utah: Officially the Stupidest State in the World

Gophers say so, I say so, so does everyone else. So help me Utah, this is Spring.

If you drop one more mother lovin' gram of snow on this the ground of the University of Brigham Young, I will personally make sure that you will suffer so much global warming that Al Gore will go on a new lecture circuit.

Which -- given your political affiliation -- I know you don't want now do you Utah?

On the bright side, this Arizona boy has become accustomed to said white fluffies, and I recommend you learn from my mistakes.

1. Do not walk on ice in front of pretty girls. This never works out well, and since they're all elephants, they never forget. Except babies. And Alzheimer's patients.

1.5 Do not compare women (by metaphor or simile) to large nasty wrinkled animals of the Serenghetti.

2. Do not attempt to sled on hills with a 30 degree slope and 1 inch of snow. (But it's funny to watch Justin try...)

3. Also, do not attempt to sled on hills with greater than 60 degree slopes. You will die. Especially when these slopes end in thorn bushes. (but this is also entertaining to watch)

4. Do not attempt to walk on icy hills. This is begging to be embarrassed in front of whomever is nearby. Stick to flat ground.

5. Do not try to swim in the duck pond, nor try to walk on the ice that just froze yesterday. Give it at least 2 days.

6. Do NOT go down stairs Nacho Libre style after the snow falls.

7. Do NOT go down stairs Nacho Libre style AT ALL. Turns out college people frown upon that kind of thing.

8. Always be on your guard. You never know when you can save a damsel who is about to fall to the ground. True story. I caught her.  I am practically Superman.

9. Flex your abs. Seriously. Flex your abs. Weirdest tip ever, but it helps you keep your balance.
This is pretty much how I got my sexy bod.

10. Wear jackets. This may damage your manly pride, but believe me it's worth it.

11. Even though it's cold, you still sweat. Wear deodorant.

12. Last but not least, eat yellow snow. Seriously. It tastes lemony.


  1. Thanks for the tips, Tucker. I'll keep them in mind next year as I'm freezing to death.

  2. I agree.... Except to Idaho rather than Utah.

  3. You wear jackets? Wow. That is serious.

  4. You are my favorite. No really....MY FAVORITE! This was awesome and rather informative. I'm sure you have helped 2's and three's of people here.

  5. Also, keep your hair down so it can blow in the wind poetically. So when you walk in a room with windswept hair and red cheeks, it will be like in Pride and Prejudice when Mr. Darcy admires how glowing Elizabeth looks. Oh, Mr. Darcy...

  6. You are awesome Tucker!

  7. bad news: last year it snowed on the last day of may in utah.
    good news: the bad news totally confirms "utah: officially the stupidest state in the world"