A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet special look into the mind of Tucker

A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet ... special look into the mind of Tucker

Thursday, March 24, 2011

The Story of the Glasses

What do these three pictures have in common you ask?

To tell the story correctly, I need to go back in time quite a while. Kindergarten in fact...

Here's an image of Tucker as a child, all happy and grinny, and also glasses clad. In kindergarten I was taken to the eye doctor where we discovered I can't even see out of my left eye.

 Well that explains the complete and utter lack of baseball skills and stoppage of my peripheral vision along the bridge of my nose. Doctor, people just don't give you enough credit do they...

The lame part about this is that I had to get my eyes dilated.... Which is pretty much pain equivalent of stepping on an unexpected  lego in bare frozen feet in Antarctica. Except in your eyes. BOTH of them.

They sit you down, lean you back and say keep your eyes open, while I drop this intimidating fluid right on in to the second most sensitive part of your body. Well SHOOT doctor! What do you think I'm gonna do when you stand above me with some dropper, and squeeze liquid fire in my eye, then ask me to open the other eye for a similar treatment? Geez...

The only thing that kept me going was my B.F. Skinner mother offering candy from the little candy shop next to the eye doctors.

So I hadn't noticed, because I assumed this was the way it was for everyone, but I'm (nearly) bling (not really, but that was a funny typo) blind in my left eye. It never occurred to me that I was different.

Well, just as my mommy had always told me, I was... well... different.

However, I was only different on my left side. In fact, I have very good vision in my right eye, and that's pretty much what I'm relying on, so if you're ever gonna stab me in the eye, pick the left one, because I can do without it.

Ok, background over.

Fast forward to the present day. Actually last Friday.

I decided to wear my glasses for some who-knows-why reason, and as you can imagine, with the vision difference, the lenses have a LARGE difference. This of course, makes my left eye look a little bigger. So there I am at work, and as I walk by the Candy Counter, one of my fellow employees looks up and says, "Tucker, did you get glasses?"

"Sometime in the past, yes. I got them. But they're not new if that's what you're wondering."

"Oh my GOSH. Look at his eye! He looks like Quasimodo!"


Well, at least Quasimodo had... uh............ his........................................... bell... thingie........ (worst comeback in the history of the world......)

About an hour later, I was told that I looked like a frog.

Then I was told that I looked like Quasimodo again.

Then someone else told me I look like Clark Kent with my glasses on. To quote her...

 "It's mostly your rippling muscles that look like him, but the glasses just complete the look."

That is really what she said.

My question for you is which do I look like? Frog?  Quasimodo? Or Clark Kent?


  1. Oh, the memories of my little boy with glasses. Haven't been able to call you my little boy for a long time, but I sometimes think you should still be that age. You definitely have the Clark Kent look, but you are way more handsome.


  2. Well, we all think you are super :)

  3. That little boy with glasses is SUCH a part of my memory and life. Your filthy, filthy little glasses. You were so cute, and spastic, and crazy.

    But really, I can't believe people just flat out said you looked like Quasimodo, or a frog, or anything. RUDE!

    So what, one eye is bigger....moving on people!

  4. Oh, and I LOVE that last picture of you. So classic!

  5. Aww, kindergarten tucker! I remember him. :)

  6. I feel like I should remember that the two of us make depth perception more often. We've only known each other practically our whole lives.

  7. How about QuasiKent? Half Clark Kent, half freaky bell tower guy.

  8. Who said Quasimodo? Who? I will take. them. out.