A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet special look into the mind of Tucker

A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet ... special look into the mind of Tucker

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Pictures and Ensuing Comments

Girl 2 sees Girl 1's new profile picture on Facebook.

Girl 2:"Oh my gosh!!! You are SOOOO cute! I can barely stand it! <3"

Girl 1:"Oh STOP IT!!! I'm not HALF as cute as you!!! haha"

2" No really, you are the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen!! lol"

1"Shush! You are most definitely the most gorgeous thing anyone's ever seen. <3"

2"I'm so lucky to have such a marvelous wonderful beautiful best friend. haha"

1"Not as lucky as I am! I mean look at you!!!! Gorgeous! =D"

2 " LOL Shut up! Shut up seriously! I have to beat the boys off you with a stick!!! "

1 "Yeah, I shoot them with a shotgun just trying to protect you from the onslaught!!! HAHA"

2 "Are you kidding me??? I'm UGLY compared to you!!!"

1. "Shut up now. I am ugly if anyone's ugly. You are practically a goddess."

2. "Let's just agree that we are so cute, but you are mostly the cutest. <3"

1. "Only if I'm secretly allowed to think YOU are mostly the cutest!!! lol"

2. "Sounds like a plan! OMGOSH. Check out my new profile picture of us!!!!"

(continue conversation there amidst numerous lol's haha's <3's and =D's)



Guy 1 shows picture to Guy 2

Guy 2: "Dude you look good"

Guy 1 "Are you gay?"

Monday, March 28, 2011

Utah: Officially the Stupidest State in the World





Gophers say so, I say so, so does everyone else. So help me Utah, this is Spring.

If you drop one more mother lovin' gram of snow on this the ground of the University of Brigham Young, I will personally make sure that you will suffer so much global warming that Al Gore will go on a new lecture circuit.

Which -- given your political affiliation -- I know you don't want now do you Utah?

On the bright side, this Arizona boy has become accustomed to said white fluffies, and I recommend you learn from my mistakes.

1. Do not walk on ice in front of pretty girls. This never works out well, and since they're all elephants, they never forget. Except babies. And Alzheimer's patients.












1.5 Do not compare women (by metaphor or simile) to large nasty wrinkled animals of the Serenghetti.


2. Do not attempt to sled on hills with a 30 degree slope and 1 inch of snow. (But it's funny to watch Justin try...)

3. Also, do not attempt to sled on hills with greater than 60 degree slopes. You will die. Especially when these slopes end in thorn bushes. (but this is also entertaining to watch)

4. Do not attempt to walk on icy hills. This is begging to be embarrassed in front of whomever is nearby. Stick to flat ground.

5. Do not try to swim in the duck pond, nor try to walk on the ice that just froze yesterday. Give it at least 2 days.

6. Do NOT go down stairs Nacho Libre style after the snow falls.

7. Do NOT go down stairs Nacho Libre style AT ALL. Turns out college people frown upon that kind of thing.

8. Always be on your guard. You never know when you can save a damsel who is about to fall to the ground. True story. I caught her.  I am practically Superman.

9. Flex your abs. Seriously. Flex your abs. Weirdest tip ever, but it helps you keep your balance.
This is pretty much how I got my sexy bod.

10. Wear jackets. This may damage your manly pride, but believe me it's worth it.

11. Even though it's cold, you still sweat. Wear deodorant.

12. Last but not least, eat yellow snow. Seriously. It tastes lemony.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

The Story of the Glasses

























What do these three pictures have in common you ask?

To tell the story correctly, I need to go back in time quite a while. Kindergarten in fact...




Here's an image of Tucker as a child, all happy and grinny, and also glasses clad. In kindergarten I was taken to the eye doctor where we discovered I can't even see out of my left eye.

 Well that explains the complete and utter lack of baseball skills and stoppage of my peripheral vision along the bridge of my nose. Doctor, people just don't give you enough credit do they...

The lame part about this is that I had to get my eyes dilated.... Which is pretty much pain equivalent of stepping on an unexpected  lego in bare frozen feet in Antarctica. Except in your eyes. BOTH of them.

They sit you down, lean you back and say keep your eyes open, while I drop this intimidating fluid right on in to the second most sensitive part of your body. Well SHOOT doctor! What do you think I'm gonna do when you stand above me with some dropper, and squeeze liquid fire in my eye, then ask me to open the other eye for a similar treatment? Geez...

The only thing that kept me going was my B.F. Skinner mother offering candy from the little candy shop next to the eye doctors.

So I hadn't noticed, because I assumed this was the way it was for everyone, but I'm (nearly) bling (not really, but that was a funny typo) blind in my left eye. It never occurred to me that I was different.

Well, just as my mommy had always told me, I was... well... different.

However, I was only different on my left side. In fact, I have very good vision in my right eye, and that's pretty much what I'm relying on, so if you're ever gonna stab me in the eye, pick the left one, because I can do without it.

Ok, background over.

Fast forward to the present day. Actually last Friday.

I decided to wear my glasses for some who-knows-why reason, and as you can imagine, with the vision difference, the lenses have a LARGE difference. This of course, makes my left eye look a little bigger. So there I am at work, and as I walk by the Candy Counter, one of my fellow employees looks up and says, "Tucker, did you get glasses?"

"Sometime in the past, yes. I got them. But they're not new if that's what you're wondering."

"Oh my GOSH. Look at his eye! He looks like Quasimodo!"

*

Well, at least Quasimodo had... uh............ his........................................... bell... thingie........ (worst comeback in the history of the world......)

About an hour later, I was told that I looked like a frog.

Then I was told that I looked like Quasimodo again.

Then someone else told me I look like Clark Kent with my glasses on. To quote her...

 "It's mostly your rippling muscles that look like him, but the glasses just complete the look."

That is really what she said.

My question for you is which do I look like? Frog?  Quasimodo? Or Clark Kent?

Monday, March 21, 2011

My Three Day Weekend All to Myself.

For those who don't know, my mom is a blog-obsessed woman. For years I spurned. I could go and tell the story, but I'll just recommend that you read this post. My first ever. Anyway, so my mom does these little linky parties (which I don't thoroughly understand... All I know is that the hundreds of women that read her blog all send some sort of link to my mom's blog, then they can all read about each other's experiences with children, or whatever my mom's prompt is. The problem with this is that it feels too much like a standardized essay test to leave me feeling warm and fuzzy about the whole experience; however, this once, I feel like I can really contribute. Here's the prompt.

If you had 24 hours all to yourself, what would you do?  Would you go away or stay home?  What if it were 48 hours, then what?  And if it were a whole three-day weekend?  Dream big, people!  I want to hear.  Linky party on Monday.


My mom writes big because she has lots of (with all due respect) old fogies reading her blog.

Well friends, I am here to tell you what I would do with my three day weekend. 

But first a question. Do I have homework? 

For the sake of entertainment, I will say no, because if I had homework, I'd just do it, then the weekend would be over, and my post would be approximately 100 words long. 90 of which mock my mother's blog script size. 

Which really isn't all that funny to start with.

Ok so now that I've cleared up the issue of homework, I will plan my weekend of lonely but blissful time to myself.

Well, what I like to do with my time alone is... uh.... 

Since when have I ever had time alone anyway? I have like 7 jillion and 12 siblings, and now 5 other guys in my apartment and another 50 guys running in and out of the building...

But IF I had time alone...

Well to start with in my perfectly alone world, I would play ukulele, because ukuleles are cool, and contrary to popular belief, you don't have to be a huge Tongan to play one.


Well.... after my fingers hurt from playing Audrey so much (Audrey is my ukulele.) I would probably peruse google images for amusing things.










While on Google images, I will learn one important thing, and it is this.

No matter WHAT you google, you will get 3 things.

1. Lolcats. I really can't explain it. You have to see for yourself... scroll down at your own peril.  http://icanhascheezburger.com/

2. Scantily clad celebrities. I just don't understand.... why would we WANT to look at Rosie O'Donnell in a swimsuit? WHY???

3. the thing you're looking for.


After that portion of my weekend is over, I will probably play guitar. And also sing at the top of my lungs. And also dance a little jig. And also finally succumb to the fact that if I don't see another human being soon, I will explode.

Bad news. They're all gone.

This is becoming very reminiscent of a movie...



Since I'm the last guy on earth, and I don't even have a German Shepherd, I'll probably just outfit the place I live with awesome explosives of terrifying magnitude, killer lights of blinding death, armored doors with no doorknobs, and also many guns littered around the house.

Heritage is going to be a minefield, good luck getting in you dumb zombies. Also, I think I will change Maeser Hall into a castle. With boiling oil to pour down upon all invaders. And a moat. To drown invaders.

Also, these fortifications are completely useless, because there's no one else on the earth. So it's gonna be kinda like preparing for war with the neighbors, and you wait and wait for the kids to come out so you can pelt 'em with your arsenal of lemony death, but turns out that neighbor kid is playing World of Warcraft. Again.

So it's Saturday morning, and I have exhausted my avenues of creativity....

Now that everyone's gone do we still have Google? 

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Relationship Status

Here are the current facebook options for relationship status


  • Single
  • In a Relationship
  • "It's Complicated"
  • Engaged
  • Married

I feel like the entire facebook community's love lives could be sparked with the new innovative statii invented by moi.

  • Single
  • Single, but I have my mother, so that's good.
  • Single, but I don't have my mother. Because she kicked me out of the house when I turned 32
  • Single, but I don't even like people, I'm content with my hermit crabs I keep in my bed.
  • Single, but I kinda like this (tag her here) girl, but she hates my stinkin' guts
  • Single, but I wish (so and so) would understand the phrase Carpe Diem, and pretend that I'm diem.
  • Single, but (so and so) is stalking me, a shrine up in her room and everything. I'm not sure if that counts.
  • I'm waiting for a missionary
  • I am a missionary. 
  • I'm a total bachelor, and I could just change my relationship status every other day, but I'll just keep it at bachelor.
  • In a relationship with mystery person
  • In a relationship with someone who isn't my imaginary friend.
  • In a relationship, waiting for (so and so) to make up their mind
  • In a relationship, trying to make up my mind about (so and so)
  • I'm 12, in a relationship, but it's pretty much fake, and I don't want my parents to know, so I'll put it on my facebook to declare my eternal undying love for my 14 year old girlfriend, because if SHE changes HER relationship status, and I don't, the relationship is over for sure, so it's better that I risk my parents finding out than risk losing her eternalundyingloveforme, and I'd rather DIE than lose her love, because obviouslythisisloveyouknow? Who are you to tell me how I feel?  Whatever man.
  • I'm 30, and I'm in a relationship. I think. I'm not really all that experienced with relationships.
  • I'm in an open relationship. Essentially, I wanna date lots of girls, but kiss just this one. Also maybe some other ones. Maybe.
  • I'm in two relationships. Neither one knows about the other.
  • I'm in 25 relationships. They all know about each other, and they're all fighting each other tooth and nail for a stupid flower. My name is Brad Womack.
  • I'm not in a relationship. Why would you think that? Just because we're holding hands and making out and stuff? That's not what a relationship is. Obviously...
  • We're gonna be engaged, I just know it.
  • Engaged, but he hasn't proposed yet, but we're engaged really.
  • Engaged. she's got a ring and everything.
  • Married
Suggest yours in the comments!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The Reason I ALWAYS Have a Pen Behind My Ear.



I have often been mocked for my pen-behind-the-ear thing. Many a person has ridiculed, tried to steal, or repeatedly tapped the writing utensil reliably and securely fastened in a snug nest of cartilage and mini-hair next to my temple. Many a person has laughed and pointed. MANY a person has tried to hit it with a ninja star William Tell style.

Well, I'm here to tell ya that having a pen constantly available is one of the best things ever, and if anyone else was half as intelligent as I, they would realize the benefits to be reaped by keepin' a boligrafo (spanish for pen) handy. Or eary.

So it's a Tuesday night, and we decide we need to go the the creamery.  Just four dudes, sauntering over to the local grocery store to get some food (Pastaroni, Swiss Rolls and frozen pizzas populated every basket. It seems we would all die without Western Family)

We were perusing the aisles, preparing to check out when we look over at the registers, and there stands 6'3 of pure testosterone.  It practically bled out of his 5 o'clock shadow (which was significant) and as we all glanced in awe, Riley wondered...

"Is that........ HUGH JACKMAN?????????????"

While the rest of us thought...

"Is that.... BYU basketball star Logan Magnusson ??????"


I was fairly sure it was him, but my roommates weren't quite as convinced. Especially Riley, who was still convinced Wolverine was right in front of him. As such, Josh had to go up to the pretty woman with him while his back was turned and inquired as to who the man was.

Good news folks, it was him. Logan Magnusson in the flesh.

The guys immediately flipped out and stared at him.  I am much more composed, and don't do such things. I'm pretty much looking at anything but him, because I am smooth like that.

So we're waiting in line behind manly man and attractive lady, and Josh is trying to get up the courage to ask for an autograph.

The only problem is he has no paper, and no pen. Well, good news again! Tucker has a pen!!! It's been behind his ear crevice all the day long! Bad news.......... no paper behind the left ear.  So Josh saunters up to Logan with nothing to write on...

He asks him contritely, "Can I have your autograph on my goldfish package?

To which he responded with a



"sure...."



I woulda thought a member of BYU's best basketball team ever would be better under pressure.

He walked out of the grocery store hand-in-hand with the attractive lady he was with, and as soon as he was out of earshot, Josh started giggling like a schoolgirl, showing his prize to everyone in line.

The Goldfish will not be eaten, but instead hung up on our kitchen wall forever.

I would like to point out that NONE of the autographing would've happened, save the resourcefulness of Tucker Denton and his bookstore pen.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Shannon

Meet Shannon.

She won the stud award here at Maeser Hall last night.

She took every single man in Maeser hall to the beach.

And also one of the guy's girlfriends.... not sure why she was at the hall meeting, except the two of them were kinda cuddling and making out the whole time... Love can't wait ya know?

So every single man in Maeser hall except him.



Per the instructional handout, we all came with a blankie, a pillow and a spoon, and as we all laid down, it started getting more and more cramped.

In fact, it started getting quite squished trying to fit 40 guys in a space about 20 feet across... So picture pigs in a blanket. Except there's lots of blanket, and too many pigs to fit, so the pigs are mainly laying all over, hoping not to rest their heads on something that has recently come into close contact with a toilet seat.

Ethan the resident assistant (pretty much, his job is to be mature, and make sure we don't do anything too stupid. Like poop  I mean defecate... on a car. True story, I'll tell it sometime.) stood up in front of us, and opened up his laptop. He introduced us to Shannon, and I'm pretty sure 60% of my building has a crush on her. I don't think I can describe her accurately... perhaps I'll just show you. Listen to it. All the way through.

http://ccc.byu.edu/cc/files/mp3/beach_trip.mp3







Seriously. Listen to it, or the following won't make sense at all.








The majority of everyone was pretty sure Shannon looks like this.


In fact, I looked it up on the website, and .... she looks more like this.



alas........ At least I have my beach...



And the root beer floats afterwards!!!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Out of the Mouth of Babes

As I walked out of work the other day, my field of vision was assaulted by at least 5894 children crossing the street by my dorms and walking down a hill towards the student center.

I love little children. So sweet. So innocent. So loving and tender. 

Anyway, so I was trudging through the snow on this hill, and as soon as the kids saw me they started waving and flashing peace signs. As I approached, their hands were held more constant anticipating a high five, and right as I get within 5 feet of these hundreds (Literally. Hundreds) of 3rd graders, I take a plunge and fall right on my tooshy. 

Immediately the children began to laugh, and my ears were assailed by such taunts as 

"What an IDIOT!"

"How's your BUTT feel?"

"Look he PEED!"

"Now THAT is quality humor!"

And as I crossed the street with my wet pants, I continued as the brunt of many a joke about the state of my pants and the fall everyone and their dog had witnessed.

"Wow," you say. Maybe these kids aren't as angelic as you thought!

Well, before Saturday, I might've disagreed with you.

On Saturday, we traveled to a field to make a spectacular gigantical snowman.

My first giant snowman. 




I'm six feet tall, and so's the guy on my shoulders. This thing was VERY large.

Anyway, so as we constructed this snowman, a red Jeep screeched into the parking lot of the field, and as the window started to roll down, I thought maybe they were people from the dorms come to assist us in the construction of awesomeness.

These thoughts quickly died when a boy of about 6 emerged from the window, middle finger first.

He screamed obscenities at us for a good solid minute.

As he drove away, he flipped us the bird yet again.



Kids say the darndest things...



As requested, here are some more pictures of the snowman.


Hugging the snowman. So precious...





Boys thought it was a serious picture...