A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet special look into the mind of Tucker

A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet ... special look into the mind of Tucker

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Date Dash

Erik and I were in the kitchen. Minding our own businesses. Making some sort of science joke like "I can feel the Joules being sucked out of me," when a mysterious knock came at the door.

We immediately froze (because Erik has premonitions and knows what will happen. I have a soundtrack for my life, and when the Jaws theme starts playing, I know something's wrong)

Anyways, we're frozen. 

Ben comes meandering out of the bathroom and answers the door. (Ben has no supernatural premonitions or background music) And standing there at our door are 5 girls. 

All I hear are the words "Date Dash," and "I'll consult my roommates."

Ben comes meandering back into the hallway where the three of us talk over this whole shebang. 

The low down on a Date Dash is women come to your dorm, find 5 random guys and pay for their ice cream.  

Riley popped his head right out of his room when he heard the word "women" and I agreed when I heard "free ice cream."

We opened the door again and informed the girls that Riley and I were definitely in for free ice cream. 

I mean Date Dash.

Well... they regretted to inform us that while we were discussing the pros and cons of the Date Dash, they capitalized on the fact that there were three other dudes in the lobby and swooped down upon them with vigor and vim, seizing them in their vulturic claws. 

As my free ice cream flew away into the desert sand, a small part of me  "let it go," but the 97% left of me screams, "DON'T LET FREE ICE CREAM GET AWAY FROM YOU."

So, we go back into the dorm because the only things I can do to retrieve my free ice cream involve violence and/or flamethrowers. My better judgement wins out and nothing burns down besides Riley's confidence as we slowly trudge back into our dorm with our heads hung low.

We go back in the kitchen and relay the story to the "Homework-laden" Ben and Erik, but halfway through the story, we can hear the girls talking. We overhear that the other dudes turned them down for some reason, and they still need more guys. We lunge to the door with bated breath and cups against the synthetic wood. 

Waiting. 

Listening.

Riley immediately lunges for the door when he hears "Maybe we should knock on their door again."

I had to physically restrain him.

"Fool!" I whispered with measured intensity, "Have you ever heard of 'hard to get???'"

I continued to restrain him until they came knocking again. 

I made a scene about being second choice (because I ain't nobody's second choice) but we eventually (about 15 seconds later) conceded to go on a Date Dash.

We walked out the door with three other guys from our building and five girls we had never ever seen before without any knowledge of what was going to happen other than the magical words "Free ice cream."

We separated into two cars, and as we drove away I started having some doubts.

It's 4 degrees outside! Why the devil do I want ice cream? Because it's free DUH! Doubt number one resolved...

Doubt number 2 surfaces. 

We were headed straight towards Las Vegas, and I began questioning their motives.

I know freshman girls can become desperate, but this was a new low... Kidnapping five lonely guys to force into loving matrimony is not my idea of a good Thursday night.

Turns out they weren't headed towards Vegas. At least for now...

We turned into the BYU Creamery parking lot, and parked after like, 9 tries. As we walked in, we purchased a bunch of ice cream and some trash bags. 

Turns out that our assignment (should we choose to accept it) (PSYCH! We didn't have a choice.) was to shove ice cream in each other's faces while blindfolded. All this clad in super sexy trash bags. 

It was a truly special experience.

The first couple went and it was fairly calm, but as it continued on towards the end, the couples got more and more.... aggressive........ with their ice cream feeding.

I'm not gonna mention any names, but there was whipped cream in faces, there was ice cream asphyxiation, there was even Strawberry and Spittle Sherbet. 

Way to impress the ladies dude....

Needless to say, there was a spectacular mess at the picnic tables. We went inside to the bathrooms and rent our super sexy clothes (garbage bags) in the comfort and warmth of the handicapper bathroom. 

As we drove away one of the guys mentioned the fact that there was still ice cream all over the table we left behind.

One of the girls responded with a shrug. "Job security."

4 comments:

  1. And all this on only a Thursday night...

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  2. I was wondering where the "job security" comment came from. Now I have been enlightened. :) You drove to the Creamery?...why? it's like 2 whole feet away...

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  3. one of my girl friends from california was in your date dash thing!!! her name was riley and she told me that it was "aggressive" ice cream feeding haha

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  4. I think this is your best entry yet. No really....I laughed and laughed out loud. Hysterical! You silly College Freshman...

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