A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet special look into the mind of Tucker

A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet ... special look into the mind of Tucker

Monday, February 14, 2011

Coke Adventures

At the Bookstore we have a dock downstairs. This is the place where are the big burly people do all the heavy lifting that big burly people specialize in. There are all kinds of shelves, freezers, piles and pallets all over down there.

In particular, I experience one particular part of the dock. Where all the food is, like for instance, 6 foot high stacks of pop on a pallet. Apparently this doesn't merit an electric pallet jack, so Tucker gets to yank his right shoulder half out of his body to pull the 37840 ton pile of drinks.

As you can imagine, lugging 37840 tons of drinks is a less-than-ideal job, but I suffer through, and truly it's not that bad because my muscle size is in the 97th percentile.

So I'm almost to where I need to be when I start wishing I was in the 96th percentile, because I yanked the handle a titch too hard, and what should happen but a cascade of caffeine-free Coke careens down and as cans crash I nearly scream like a girl, but I know that it will echo throughout the whole dock, so I refrain.

As Caffeine-free Coke spreads across the floor I quickly walk towards the janitorial office. Why? Because I ain't cleaning this up... But alas!!! No janitors to be found..... It's probably because I used the offensive term "janitor" instead of the pc "custodian." Either way you clean up poop in the bathroom and Coke on the dock, I don't know what the big issue is...

So no janitors are available to assist me in my plight (aka take care of my mess) so I'm stuck with cleaning up 7 gallons of caffeine-free coke spilled all freakin' over.

For those of you wondering "Why caffeine-free Tucker? In all your infinite wisdom, teach us!" I say some Mormons believe it is sin to drink caffeine. Some don't. It's not officially doctrine that drinking caffeine is a sin, but at BYU it's practically as bad as swearing to be seen drinking caffeine. As such, it is pretty difficult to find caffeine on campus.

So Coke's on the floor. (that's like the 7th time I've said that same thing) and I start wiping it up. I get it all wiped then take the box of coke to the kitchen to see how many of them actually exploded and how many we can salvage.

I get to the kitchen and --  since everything is so sticky -- I stick the cans in hot water to rinse.

If chemistry taught me anything, I forgot it now.

The first can exploded in the water, spewing small amounts of coke outside of the sink, but it was mostly contained. I realized my mistake and started to take the cans out of the hot water and move them to a sink filling with cold water.

As I began to transport the cans one by one, the second can exploded in my hand.

Caffeine-free sugar saturated fizzy Coke exploded ALL upon me. Like all upon me, all upon the sink, all upon the microwave, all upon the wall, the floor, my face, my clothes, and some even got into my left eye. (Which is ok, because i'm practically blind in that eye anyway.)

Cleaning that up was not really fun, and it was super sticky all over.

THIS is why I'm a Pepsi person.


  1. ummm....how much money did you lose the Bookstore in all your shananiganizing? ;)

  2. Quite quite clever, Paduan. Laughed. Almost cried. Read it to the whole family in the car. I disagree with Allyson. This is my fave. Grandpa would be so proud of your Pepsi prerogative

  3. laughing tears at 8:16am are a good thing!

  4. Good GRIEF! What a disaster of EPIC proportions. But, the visual and your story telling made it reall rather hytsterical. Sorry that happened Tuck. But, it does sound like you survived it, which, is a relief. And IF I were a pop drinking person, I'd always choose Dr. Pepper and THEN Pepsi. Coke...totally last on the list.

  5. Must be a family thing- or we are just smarter than the Coke people! Pepsi all the way!