A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet special look into the mind of Tucker

A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet ... special look into the mind of Tucker

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Cheek Chastity

It's Valentine's Day.

We're sitting in the kitchen.

I suddenly hear Jaws music playing. (If the Jaws thing makes no sense, read this post and you'll quickly understand)

Something's up.

There's a knock at the door...

Justin goes to answer it. We hear the doorknob creak, and the next thing we know the door is yanked right off its hinges and Justin is being accosted by lipstick-sportin' females.  Four of them pounce and pucker until he retaliates... but.... the retaliation doesn't come.... he is enjoying this. ........ He comes back in the kitchen after we hear the door closes.

Seriously, the only difference is the lei.

They ran away screaming Happy Valentine's Day and ventured onto the other floors of Maeser hall to find other hapless victims.

No one was quite sure how to react to this except Justin, but he's just kinda a ditz and you never know quite what he's thinking.

Ok some of you are saying, "Tucker, what is the big DEAL? A couple girls were trying to be funny. Humor them." To you I say, Have you HEARD of CTD's??? (Cheekually Transmitted Diseases)

Anyway so we go back on our merry way, but ten minutes later I start hearing the music again. The knock comes again.

This time we prepare ourselves. We tie Justin to a pole and stuff beeswax in our ears.

Ben goes for the door.

I don't know if the beeswax we put in his ears wasn't working, or what, but he responded to the siren's haunting call. He opened the door (which magically reappeared on its hinges) and as soon as an inch-thick sliver of light shone through, blood-red fingernails gripped the door frame and wrenched the only barrier between us and a violation of cheek chastity out of his grasp. Then the temptresses start coming onto him, but in the moment of temptation, Ben is strong. He throws his hands up in the air (sometimes) and tries to spurn their advances. The problem is that their advances aren't all that spurnable. So I step in to rescue my roommate with much gallantry. After much combat (verbal and physical) I realize that by some magical enchantment, they can't set foot in our dorm. In order to capitalize on this knowledge, we retreat beyond the safety of the doorway and start arguing about cheek promiscuity and its moral implications. I bravely defend Ben's choice to abstain and clarified that -- in the same predicament -- I would've made the very same decision.

Except I might've punched someone.

Ben's just nicer than me.

They retreated as soon as they realized their battle was lost. They had taken one soul from us, but they would not take another. No.

Not another of us.

We would be strong.


The Chaste of Cheek.


  1. Just so you know, I was sitting in the library when I read this and was having quite a bit of difficulty stifling the laughter.

    I was waiting for the punching.... ;)

  2. Just so you know, I love you in every way. And this post WAS funny. However, I do just want to say....you should relax a little and have some fun my friend. These are silly college happenings. If you got kissed on the cheek, it might not be so bad. Just sayin.

  3. I think Allyson took this a little too seriously, don't you?

  4. Bwahhaaa!! I commend you for your virtue and your reference to Greek mythology!!

    Love you T.

  5. heehee


    (visiting from your mom's blog)

  6. Ben threw his hands up in the air (sometimes)... nice :D
    Luker got mobbed too. I think he kinda liked it.