A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet special look into the mind of Tucker

A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet ... special look into the mind of Tucker

Thursday, January 6, 2011



So I'm sitting there watching HGTV. Occasionally glaring at Farmer Joe with Popular Science, and poking AARP members when a woman in brown scrubs comes out of the door. If you've ever been to any sort of office with a door, you know the door I'm talking about. The door of destiny. So this woman comes out, and she's probably 24 to 26. Reasonably attractive. Not like I'm looking, and she calls my name. I follow her back there while my mom continues to be wrapped up in the culture clash of the Asians and the Loo Skipper (If none of this is making sense, please read "A Lot Less Wise." (Hint: SCROLL DOWN)

I go into this room with THE chair in it, and I sit down, The woman comes in behind me, introduces herself as Ashley, and takes some x-rays and reads me my rights. I pay attention, because I'm an adult now, and we get down to business. I sign some stuff. We have to call my mom away from the show to come sign some stuff (because GEEZ, I'm not paying for this...) and then Ashley walks me through the office. We traveled about the speed of a slug. Why? Because the entire regional presidency of the AARP is in front of us in the narrow hall. That's why.

So we finally get back to the room. And this room also has THE chair in it. I thought that THE implied one, but I guess that's flexible. So she sits me down. She straps some white thing to my face over my nose, and tells me to breathe. As if I could not. I nearly say "Anything for you Ashley!" sarcastically, but I don't. So I breathe. She asks me questions. Asks about Christmas, what did I get? Am I visiting home? Where am I going to school? What's your major? I could tell she was just trying to get me to keep talking so the laughing gas would work faster; however, I could also tell that she was not used to such long conversations with young men with white things attached to their noses. I gathered this information with the expertise of a spy, and realized that my body was being resistant to the laughing gas.


So i keep talking. I told her about my family. The brief description of each of my siblings (All 8 of us, including my brother in law) What my dad does for a living, and I started talking about the classes I was taking in the winter semester, and she stood up and opened the door. 2 men and a very short Mexican woman come in. One of the men, Dr. Boyse (he had a nametag) asked her why I was still awake. She shrugged. So the short lady comes up to me and asks if I'm comfortable with her doing the I.V. now. I said certainly! I wanna be a doctor anyway, can I watch? And she said "Sure!" (I liked her) And I watched her do things on my arm.

Then the doctor was getting ready to go and I was still awake. He turns to Ashley. "I think we need to try -- Well you're all done!"

The next hour is hazy. I'lll give you what I remember.

I get in the car out of a back door.

We go to Krispy Kreme.

I have gauze in my mouth.

It's hard to talk.

My mom is telling me to stop trying to talk.

Brilliant as I am, I get my phone out and start texting what I would like to say and showing it to my mom.

I say something about a slate...

I say something about Zacharias, the father of John the Baptist.

I walk into Krispy Kreme.

I get back in the car.

I return home.

Apparently somewhere in there I vigorously high-fived Ashley and wished her a gauze obstructed (but still enthusiastic) HAPPY NEW YEAR.

But I don't remember that part.


  1. I'm getting mine out next weekend. Should be fun.

  2. "Because I'm an adult now, and we get down to business."

    FAVORITE quote from this.

    Tucker, this made my day more laughalicious. Thanks =)

    (You remember who I am...right, I think I emailed you back.)