A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet special look into the mind of Tucker

A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet ... special look into the mind of Tucker

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

We're Gonna Bomb the Testing Center...

With fliers.

50 fun things to do at the testing center
  1. Go up to the desk and ask for a test from a random class, when they say they don’t have it, look panicked and run out.
  2. Return 10 minutes later and ask for a different test. Continue this procedure indefinitely.
  3. Softly hum “How does she know that you love her?” From Enchanted, but only that one phrase with the steel drum. “How does she know that you love her… How does she know that you love her… How does she know that you love her…..”
  4. Stretch backwards with your arms above your head and “inadvertently” hit the person behind you. Apologize. Repeat.
  5. Bring Starbursts or some other individually wrapped candy and unwrap them. Loudly.
  6. Bring a pile of about 30 #2 pencils. Pile them on your desk so that they constantly roll off. See how long the person next to you will pick them up before they pretend not to see it.
  7. Place your nose a generous 5 inches from the paper. Do not remove nose until finished.
  8. Whisper to yourself loudly about how to do a math problem while taking a civilization test.
  9. Leave your backpack in the extremely narrow isle. Do not move it even when someone looks at you weird or steps over it.
  10. Bring a razor and shave in line so as to be in keeping with the clean shaven policy. This is best done with shaving cream and a dry razor. If you want to chant to yourself “Comfort of 5 blade precision of one… comfort of five blades precision of one….” Please do so.
  11. Bring M&Ms and give one to each person who walks by you.
  12. Click your pen. A lot.
  13. Two words. Bubble wrap.
  14. Fall asleep repeatedly and wake up suddenly with many jerky movements.
  15. Bring a calculator to the test and ask if you can use it on your writing exam.
  16. When they tell you no with the calculator, act extremely surprised and offended.
  17. Return to the desk and ask them if they gave you the right test. 3 times.
  18. Find a squeaky desk. Enjoy.
  19. Ask the person next to you for a pencil. Break it. Ask if they have any more.
  20. Ask the employees watching you while you take a test how much a bribe costs.
  21. Bring a bucket. When someone asks why, look at them like they just asked why you have pants on.
  22. Wear flip-flops. Flip them loudly and obnoxiously.
  23. Chew gum.  Smack.
  24. Bring playing cards or CDs. Throw them like ninja stars when no one is looking.
  25. Bounce your legs on the chair in front of you.
  26. Record a strange gurgling noise on a tape recorder, put the tape recorder in your backpack with a time delay. Whisper “SHHHHHH” to your backpack whenever it gurgles.
  27. Start laughing hysterically.  When people look at you, stop. Then start again.
  28. Sharpen your pencil every two minutes.
  29. Bring a drink with a bendy straw. Bend it incessantly and slurp from it obnoxiously.
  30. Get up from your desk and move every 10 minutes. If the employees ask you why, explain that you are being followed, and it’s imperative that they do not find you.
  31. Quietly ask yourself “B or C? B or C? B or C?” For at least 2 minutes.
  32. Fake throwing up. (I recommend applesauce)
  33. Bring a TV dinner.
  34. Stick your leg out when people pass. Apologize profusely if they trip.
  35. Whisper C C C C C C C C C C C C as you bubble in your paper. Turn in your paper after about 5 minutes.
  36. Set your ringtone for ABC by the Jackson5. Put your phone on full volume, have a friend call you at least twice.
  37. Start hyperventilating. Bring a paper bag.
  38. Take your test standing up in the back.
  39. Initiate footsies with the woman in front of you.
  40. When she looks at you indignantly, wink.
  41. Poke the person in front of you with a pencil until they turn around. Act really into your test. I suggest #7. Repeat.
  42. Drum your pencil. Attempt to get a rhythm section together.
  43. Bring Bose noise cancelling headphones. Hum loudly until someone touches you (Do not respond even if you can hear someone telling you to be quiet) When someone touches you to get your attention, recoil and whisper BAD TOUCH.
  44. Shout HALLELUJAH when you get up after finishing. Walk triumphantly to the door and turn in your test. Return about 10 seconds later for your backpack.
  45. Strike up a conversation with the guy picking up your test while there are 5 people behind you waiting to turn theirs in.
  46. Skip merrily down the stairs humming a Christmas song and open the door. Abruptly stop skipping, singing, and merriment. Let your mouth hang open for a moment, then walk calmly out of the center.
  47. Write notes with random names on them like “ASHLEY!!!! GREAT JOB ON YOUR MARRIAGE AND FAMILY LIFE TEST!!! WILL YOU MARRY ME?  A) YES B) MAYBE C) DEFINITELY D) CAN’T WE JUST BE FRIENDS? LOVE, Jim” Or “ JENNY!!!!! I hope the Chemistry test went better than you hoped. Here’s hoping for a D!!!  Love, Your boyfriend.”  Put them on the little ledge.
  48. Stand as close as you possibly can to the screen displaying scores and look disbelievingly at your ID card then your test score, then your ID card, then the screen again. Walk away discouraged.
  49. Do a heel click off the steps as you leave.
  50. Stay just outside the door and cheer crazily for everyone who walks out. Especially if they look dejected.
Watch for them.

7 comments:

  1. THIS IS AWESOME!!!! LOVE IT!!
    And personally, I can see you actually doing at least HALF of them!

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  2. # 14 sounds like Grandpa. Great blog!

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  3. Lol! This is hilarious. Almost makes me miss the testing center

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  4. you're really going to? when?!

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  5. Makes me sorry they didn't have testing centers when I was in college. I think I would have enjoyed trying out several of your suggestions...

    ;)

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  6. Tucker!! Please notify me immediately when these things are happening and don't let me forget my video camera!!! hahahahaahaha THESE ARE THE BEST!!!!!!

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  7. Number 21 is my favorite. That's a million download YouTube video in the making if ever I've seen one.

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