A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet special look into the mind of Tucker

A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet ... special look into the mind of Tucker

Saturday, December 11, 2010

My History Essay

For my history class, we were required to do a thesis analysis on a secondary source semi-related to the content. I sat. I waited for genius inspiration for months. Never chose a book, never did anything semi-related to the project. Time goes by and as it gets closer Professor Davis (BORINGVOICE) lists books up on the projector, but I wasn't really paying that much attention.

So two weeks before this project was due, I don't have a book yet, and I was reading the syllabus desperately searching for a loophole. (Not starting the project half a month early mind you, just looking for loopholes)

I found it. Never in the description of the essay does it say to actually READ the book. I thought myself quite clever. I could just not read the book that my professor had forced upon me, and write an educated thesis analysis!

Many of you are probably asking, "Umm, Tucker, you cannot write a report on a book you never read!"

To you I respond "Children, children... this is what Wikipedia was inVENTed for."

Two nights before the project was due, (I'm really becoming a good student up here. It's probably proximity to all these stinkin' mormons) I start my essay. Kinda but not really. I start reading a thesis analysis on Wikipedia, and it turns out that Guns, Germs, and Steel is really a dumb book. I had a really tough time starting on my essay the next day, and naturally, I called my mother, who knows everything.

She gave me some of the greatest advice ever. Write a satire of the essay. Write the mocking sarcastic essay you wish you could, then write the real one.

I believe I will be doing this for every essay I write for the rest of my life.

In the novel Guns, Germs, and Steel by Jared Diamond, there is an intriguing storyline, and it's probably a pretty good book; however, I can't really bear my testimony to it, because -- although I'm writing this essay about it -- I haven't even touched a physical copy. My teacher told us that is was Ben Affleck's favorite book. Well... odds are Ben has never read it, one of his publicity advisors advised him to say that, and made him read the same online summaries I read so he could formulate a (wikipedia biased) opinion. Development of human culture is the theme. Kinda. It's more of why civilization developed in Europe so much faster than, say China (The Chinese are developing faster NOW why not then?) or Africa (I read on Wikipedia that one of the arguments for Africa not developing as quickly is because of lions, which ate the people, which apparently inhibited them getting smarter. (You'd think natural selection would make the dumb ones get eaten, and the smart ones survive, but whatever.)) And because of the Europeans growing faster economically, they were able to dominate other cultures with (Hold your breath) Guns, Germs and Steel.


  1. Are ya ever gonna tell the rest of the story?
    That's what I want to hear!

  2. Your mom is brilliant, that's all. I think when my kids are away I'll have them call *her* for advice. Now what would be a really great ending to the story is if you accidentally turned in this essay. I've love to see your grade & the comments.

  3. I think it's genius. I learned ALL i needed to know about the book and laughed at the same time.