A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet special look into the mind of Tucker

A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet ... special look into the mind of Tucker

Thursday, December 30, 2010

A Lot Less Wise

I arrive at the Orthopedic surgeon this morning with a stupendous attitude, and a huge smile on my face. I absolutely love mouths. Their slimy goodness is spectacular to me, and I think I want to be a dentist when I grow up.


I hate mouths. I would rather deal with ANY (and I mean any) other part of the body than mouths. This is why I wanna be a pediatrician, not a dentist.

Anyway, so I get in there sign some papers, read some legal stuff, and I sit down. I then realize I am surrounded by the antire membership of the AARP.


"Oh hello Frank! Welcome back!"
"Hello Doctor Boyse! Lost another tooth!"
"Since Monday? Can't say I'm surprised. You're like 103."
"Do you need my credit card, or shall we have the youth of tomorrow pay for it through social security?"
"Social Security! We'll be dead by then anyway"
*Disappear into the hallway laughing and clapping each other on the back.*


They have little TV screens where an extremely near-sighted Asian couple is trying to sell their bland house. Some English lady is helping, and apparently she is an expert. This leads me to believe that HGTV is racist, and believes Asians cannot sell their own houses, and need help from people who skip to the loo, but I hide this belief inside of me for fear of public humiliation. It takes me approximately 4.65 seconds to realize that my time will be wasted watching this show.

I quickly look around for something to entertain myself. I quietly consider repeatedly irritating the geezers, but decide against it. Then I see it. POPULAR SCIENCE. Call me a nerd, but that magazine is goldangawesome. And just as I go to grab it, who jumps in but Farmer Dan from Northeast Montana with a faded cowboy hat and what does he do? He steals my entertainment.

With all my cognitive prowess, I decide if I could take this guy or not. It's either HGTV, poking grandmas and pretending I didn't, or it's wrestle this guy for the right to popular science. Seeing as he's obviously from somewhere in the midwest, he's probably wrestled at least 6 bears in his lifetime. They could've been pandas, grizzlies, black bears, teddy bears, I don't know, but I decide it's probably not worth the risk. And so I am forced to fry my brain with HGTV for 20 freakin minutes.

Stay tuned for A Lot Less Wise: The EXTRACTION

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