A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet special look into the mind of Tucker

A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet ... special look into the mind of Tucker

Thursday, December 30, 2010

A Lot Less Wise

I arrive at the Orthopedic surgeon this morning with a stupendous attitude, and a huge smile on my face. I absolutely love mouths. Their slimy goodness is spectacular to me, and I think I want to be a dentist when I grow up.

FALSE

I hate mouths. I would rather deal with ANY (and I mean any) other part of the body than mouths. This is why I wanna be a pediatrician, not a dentist.

Anyway, so I get in there sign some papers, read some legal stuff, and I sit down. I then realize I am surrounded by the antire membership of the AARP.

 **FLASHBACK**

"Oh hello Frank! Welcome back!"
"Hello Doctor Boyse! Lost another tooth!"
"Since Monday? Can't say I'm surprised. You're like 103."
"Do you need my credit card, or shall we have the youth of tomorrow pay for it through social security?"
"Social Security! We'll be dead by then anyway"
*Disappear into the hallway laughing and clapping each other on the back.*

**FLASHBACK OVER**

They have little TV screens where an extremely near-sighted Asian couple is trying to sell their bland house. Some English lady is helping, and apparently she is an expert. This leads me to believe that HGTV is racist, and believes Asians cannot sell their own houses, and need help from people who skip to the loo, but I hide this belief inside of me for fear of public humiliation. It takes me approximately 4.65 seconds to realize that my time will be wasted watching this show.

I quickly look around for something to entertain myself. I quietly consider repeatedly irritating the geezers, but decide against it. Then I see it. POPULAR SCIENCE. Call me a nerd, but that magazine is goldangawesome. And just as I go to grab it, who jumps in but Farmer Dan from Northeast Montana with a faded cowboy hat and what does he do? He steals my entertainment.

With all my cognitive prowess, I decide if I could take this guy or not. It's either HGTV, poking grandmas and pretending I didn't, or it's wrestle this guy for the right to popular science. Seeing as he's obviously from somewhere in the midwest, he's probably wrestled at least 6 bears in his lifetime. They could've been pandas, grizzlies, black bears, teddy bears, I don't know, but I decide it's probably not worth the risk. And so I am forced to fry my brain with HGTV for 20 freakin minutes.

Stay tuned for A Lot Less Wise: The EXTRACTION

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Ruby Slippers

I caved.
I tried them on.
I clicked.
I chanted.
I waited.
I hoped.
I almost cussed and I took the stupid girl shoes off.


Christmas Eve cannot come fast enough!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

My History Essay

For my history class, we were required to do a thesis analysis on a secondary source semi-related to the content. I sat. I waited for genius inspiration for months. Never chose a book, never did anything semi-related to the project. Time goes by and as it gets closer Professor Davis (BORINGVOICE) lists books up on the projector, but I wasn't really paying that much attention.

So two weeks before this project was due, I don't have a book yet, and I was reading the syllabus desperately searching for a loophole. (Not starting the project half a month early mind you, just looking for loopholes)

I found it. Never in the description of the essay does it say to actually READ the book. I thought myself quite clever. I could just not read the book that my professor had forced upon me, and write an educated thesis analysis!

Many of you are probably asking, "Umm, Tucker, you cannot write a report on a book you never read!"

To you I respond "Children, children... this is what Wikipedia was inVENTed for."

Two nights before the project was due, (I'm really becoming a good student up here. It's probably proximity to all these stinkin' mormons) I start my essay. Kinda but not really. I start reading a thesis analysis on Wikipedia, and it turns out that Guns, Germs, and Steel is really a dumb book. I had a really tough time starting on my essay the next day, and naturally, I called my mother, who knows everything.

She gave me some of the greatest advice ever. Write a satire of the essay. Write the mocking sarcastic essay you wish you could, then write the real one.

I believe I will be doing this for every essay I write for the rest of my life.


In the novel Guns, Germs, and Steel by Jared Diamond, there is an intriguing storyline, and it's probably a pretty good book; however, I can't really bear my testimony to it, because -- although I'm writing this essay about it -- I haven't even touched a physical copy. My teacher told us that is was Ben Affleck's favorite book. Well... odds are Ben has never read it, one of his publicity advisors advised him to say that, and made him read the same online summaries I read so he could formulate a (wikipedia biased) opinion. Development of human culture is the theme. Kinda. It's more of why civilization developed in Europe so much faster than, say China (The Chinese are developing faster NOW why not then?) or Africa (I read on Wikipedia that one of the arguments for Africa not developing as quickly is because of lions, which ate the people, which apparently inhibited them getting smarter. (You'd think natural selection would make the dumb ones get eaten, and the smart ones survive, but whatever.)) And because of the Europeans growing faster economically, they were able to dominate other cultures with (Hold your breath) Guns, Germs and Steel.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

We're Gonna Bomb the Testing Center...

With fliers.

50 fun things to do at the testing center
  1. Go up to the desk and ask for a test from a random class, when they say they don’t have it, look panicked and run out.
  2. Return 10 minutes later and ask for a different test. Continue this procedure indefinitely.
  3. Softly hum “How does she know that you love her?” From Enchanted, but only that one phrase with the steel drum. “How does she know that you love her… How does she know that you love her… How does she know that you love her…..”
  4. Stretch backwards with your arms above your head and “inadvertently” hit the person behind you. Apologize. Repeat.
  5. Bring Starbursts or some other individually wrapped candy and unwrap them. Loudly.
  6. Bring a pile of about 30 #2 pencils. Pile them on your desk so that they constantly roll off. See how long the person next to you will pick them up before they pretend not to see it.
  7. Place your nose a generous 5 inches from the paper. Do not remove nose until finished.
  8. Whisper to yourself loudly about how to do a math problem while taking a civilization test.
  9. Leave your backpack in the extremely narrow isle. Do not move it even when someone looks at you weird or steps over it.
  10. Bring a razor and shave in line so as to be in keeping with the clean shaven policy. This is best done with shaving cream and a dry razor. If you want to chant to yourself “Comfort of 5 blade precision of one… comfort of five blades precision of one….” Please do so.
  11. Bring M&Ms and give one to each person who walks by you.
  12. Click your pen. A lot.
  13. Two words. Bubble wrap.
  14. Fall asleep repeatedly and wake up suddenly with many jerky movements.
  15. Bring a calculator to the test and ask if you can use it on your writing exam.
  16. When they tell you no with the calculator, act extremely surprised and offended.
  17. Return to the desk and ask them if they gave you the right test. 3 times.
  18. Find a squeaky desk. Enjoy.
  19. Ask the person next to you for a pencil. Break it. Ask if they have any more.
  20. Ask the employees watching you while you take a test how much a bribe costs.
  21. Bring a bucket. When someone asks why, look at them like they just asked why you have pants on.
  22. Wear flip-flops. Flip them loudly and obnoxiously.
  23. Chew gum.  Smack.
  24. Bring playing cards or CDs. Throw them like ninja stars when no one is looking.
  25. Bounce your legs on the chair in front of you.
  26. Record a strange gurgling noise on a tape recorder, put the tape recorder in your backpack with a time delay. Whisper “SHHHHHH” to your backpack whenever it gurgles.
  27. Start laughing hysterically.  When people look at you, stop. Then start again.
  28. Sharpen your pencil every two minutes.
  29. Bring a drink with a bendy straw. Bend it incessantly and slurp from it obnoxiously.
  30. Get up from your desk and move every 10 minutes. If the employees ask you why, explain that you are being followed, and it’s imperative that they do not find you.
  31. Quietly ask yourself “B or C? B or C? B or C?” For at least 2 minutes.
  32. Fake throwing up. (I recommend applesauce)
  33. Bring a TV dinner.
  34. Stick your leg out when people pass. Apologize profusely if they trip.
  35. Whisper C C C C C C C C C C C C as you bubble in your paper. Turn in your paper after about 5 minutes.
  36. Set your ringtone for ABC by the Jackson5. Put your phone on full volume, have a friend call you at least twice.
  37. Start hyperventilating. Bring a paper bag.
  38. Take your test standing up in the back.
  39. Initiate footsies with the woman in front of you.
  40. When she looks at you indignantly, wink.
  41. Poke the person in front of you with a pencil until they turn around. Act really into your test. I suggest #7. Repeat.
  42. Drum your pencil. Attempt to get a rhythm section together.
  43. Bring Bose noise cancelling headphones. Hum loudly until someone touches you (Do not respond even if you can hear someone telling you to be quiet) When someone touches you to get your attention, recoil and whisper BAD TOUCH.
  44. Shout HALLELUJAH when you get up after finishing. Walk triumphantly to the door and turn in your test. Return about 10 seconds later for your backpack.
  45. Strike up a conversation with the guy picking up your test while there are 5 people behind you waiting to turn theirs in.
  46. Skip merrily down the stairs humming a Christmas song and open the door. Abruptly stop skipping, singing, and merriment. Let your mouth hang open for a moment, then walk calmly out of the center.
  47. Write notes with random names on them like “ASHLEY!!!! GREAT JOB ON YOUR MARRIAGE AND FAMILY LIFE TEST!!! WILL YOU MARRY ME?  A) YES B) MAYBE C) DEFINITELY D) CAN’T WE JUST BE FRIENDS? LOVE, Jim” Or “ JENNY!!!!! I hope the Chemistry test went better than you hoped. Here’s hoping for a D!!!  Love, Your boyfriend.”  Put them on the little ledge.
  48. Stand as close as you possibly can to the screen displaying scores and look disbelievingly at your ID card then your test score, then your ID card, then the screen again. Walk away discouraged.
  49. Do a heel click off the steps as you leave.
  50. Stay just outside the door and cheer crazily for everyone who walks out. Especially if they look dejected.
Watch for them.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

You Should've Seen His Face...

You know when the little kid gets on the roller coaster or the merry-go-round or any other death-defying high speed ride and they always look at their mom the exact same way? When they're playing tee ball for the first time, when they are on stage at a choir concert for the first time, they always look at their mom a very distinct way...

Well my roommate Ben Metcalf recently used my connections to land a job at the Bookstore. He passed the Candy Counter once and looked at me a lot like that.

I was so proud.