A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet special look into the mind of Tucker

A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet ... special look into the mind of Tucker

Monday, November 29, 2010

The REAL Story Behind the First Batch of Amish Friendship Bread...

It's running rampant around BYU campus, and i don't think I can take it anymore.

It looks like a gallon Ziploc bag sparsely populated by throw up and smells about the same.

Amish Friendship Bread............. my nemesis.

For those of you who don't know, Amish Friendship bread is a bag that is filled with throw up, I mean bread mix, and it has instructions stapled or taped to the bag (It's always bad when they staple it through the middle of the bag and you have.... nastiness... all over) The goal of Amish Friendship Bread is to follow the instructions -- which mainly say, stir it. Stir it again. Stir again. Add flour to make it harder stir. Stir. Stir. Stir til your arm falls off-- And end up with 4 times as much as you started with after you add a bunch of flour and oil. Then you give it to 3 other people, then you make the bread.

I ask one question. What sicko invented this??? Guilt trip you into day after day of diligence and effort??? SHOOT ME NOW.  I'm pretty sure that an Amish man invented it to tick off his neighbor.

There once was an Amish dude. His name was John-jacob. He had a field and a bunch of sheep enclosed by a cute little picket fence. He had a wife and 16 children. But one day his neighbor's cow named Bessie (What else do you name a cow?) knocked down his cute little picket fence!!! John-jacob was very angry. He vented to his wife. She responded with a contrite "Turn the other cheek." This was not good enough for John-jacob. Not good enough at all. He had been slighted!!! He would get revenge. But he could not do it openly, instead, John-jacob devised a dastardly scheme to annoy his neighbor for 10 days. He made some bread mix... Made some instructions...
Friendship Bread
Day 1 - receive the starter
Day 2 - stir
Day 3 - stir
Day 4 - stir
Day 5 - Add 1 cup each flour, sugar and milk. Stir
Day 6 - stir
Day 7 - stir
Day 8 - stir
Day 9 - stir
Day 10 - Add 1 cup flour, 1 cup sugar and 1 cup milk. Stir. Divide into 4 containers, with 2 cups each for three of your friends and 2 cups for your own loaves. Give friends the instructions for Day 1 through Day 10.

John-jacob allowed a menacing smile to creep upon his chin-strapped face.

He doorbell-ditched his neighbor (or whatever the heck they do without doorbells.) and left the bowl of mix along with the instructions...

John-jacob's neighbor opened the door more quickly than John-jacob expected. "Oh hello Mr. Jingleheimerschmidt!" But John-jacob continued running.

The neighbor's wife immediately fell in love with the idea of Friendship Bread and forced her husband to stir that blasted batter for 10 days. The bread was finally ready after much futile effort and much fruitless stirring.

John-jacob heard a loud kick at his door and went to open it. On the ground he saw a bowl and some instructions. A sight he would see at least once every two weeks for the rest of his life.


  1. I too, have known the menace of friendship bread. And, wanting to maintain friendships, realized that if I didn't share ANY of the batter or save ANY for later, I could make 4 loaves all at once... BRILLIANCE! And then, in the name of friendship, I could share a loaf... or 2... or once, even 3. ...and my friends were STILL my friends :) And upon the occasion that you are still gifted starter kit, make that blechy blech into a tasty treat on the double!

    (This kind of falls into the "confessions" category)

  2. see, my instructions are different. You squish the bag instead of stir & you divide it out into 5 different bags. Being my 2nd time being hit with it, I currently have 4 bags of starter in my freezer to stop the dang things from growing any more. & everyone knows people have messed up & skipped days multiple times, so now we're all just stuck with fermenting barf sitting on our counters.

  3. Fermenting barf made me laugh out loud.
    Note to self--just throw it out. That's what I do, Mr. Jingle-Heimer-Schmidt. And yes, your story was quite clever.

  4. Still laughing!! I ALWAYS throw it out - I cannot make bread (cinnamon rolls are not bread). Clever, clever story!

  5. Ah, yes, the friendship bread. I'm glad I know what to do about it now. LOVE

  6. You slay me! I've never been gifted a bag, or maybe i was once, but I refused to follow instructions. However, I will say, the braed is QUITE tastey.

  7. I kinda liked the friendship bread. Still have some in the freezer, actually.

  8. Have you tasted it though? So sweet and good!