A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet special look into the mind of Tucker

A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet ... special look into the mind of Tucker

Thursday, December 30, 2010

A Lot Less Wise

I arrive at the Orthopedic surgeon this morning with a stupendous attitude, and a huge smile on my face. I absolutely love mouths. Their slimy goodness is spectacular to me, and I think I want to be a dentist when I grow up.

FALSE

I hate mouths. I would rather deal with ANY (and I mean any) other part of the body than mouths. This is why I wanna be a pediatrician, not a dentist.

Anyway, so I get in there sign some papers, read some legal stuff, and I sit down. I then realize I am surrounded by the antire membership of the AARP.

 **FLASHBACK**

"Oh hello Frank! Welcome back!"
"Hello Doctor Boyse! Lost another tooth!"
"Since Monday? Can't say I'm surprised. You're like 103."
"Do you need my credit card, or shall we have the youth of tomorrow pay for it through social security?"
"Social Security! We'll be dead by then anyway"
*Disappear into the hallway laughing and clapping each other on the back.*

**FLASHBACK OVER**

They have little TV screens where an extremely near-sighted Asian couple is trying to sell their bland house. Some English lady is helping, and apparently she is an expert. This leads me to believe that HGTV is racist, and believes Asians cannot sell their own houses, and need help from people who skip to the loo, but I hide this belief inside of me for fear of public humiliation. It takes me approximately 4.65 seconds to realize that my time will be wasted watching this show.

I quickly look around for something to entertain myself. I quietly consider repeatedly irritating the geezers, but decide against it. Then I see it. POPULAR SCIENCE. Call me a nerd, but that magazine is goldangawesome. And just as I go to grab it, who jumps in but Farmer Dan from Northeast Montana with a faded cowboy hat and what does he do? He steals my entertainment.

With all my cognitive prowess, I decide if I could take this guy or not. It's either HGTV, poking grandmas and pretending I didn't, or it's wrestle this guy for the right to popular science. Seeing as he's obviously from somewhere in the midwest, he's probably wrestled at least 6 bears in his lifetime. They could've been pandas, grizzlies, black bears, teddy bears, I don't know, but I decide it's probably not worth the risk. And so I am forced to fry my brain with HGTV for 20 freakin minutes.

Stay tuned for A Lot Less Wise: The EXTRACTION

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Ruby Slippers

I caved.
I tried them on.
I clicked.
I chanted.
I waited.
I hoped.
I almost cussed and I took the stupid girl shoes off.


Christmas Eve cannot come fast enough!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

My History Essay

For my history class, we were required to do a thesis analysis on a secondary source semi-related to the content. I sat. I waited for genius inspiration for months. Never chose a book, never did anything semi-related to the project. Time goes by and as it gets closer Professor Davis (BORINGVOICE) lists books up on the projector, but I wasn't really paying that much attention.

So two weeks before this project was due, I don't have a book yet, and I was reading the syllabus desperately searching for a loophole. (Not starting the project half a month early mind you, just looking for loopholes)

I found it. Never in the description of the essay does it say to actually READ the book. I thought myself quite clever. I could just not read the book that my professor had forced upon me, and write an educated thesis analysis!

Many of you are probably asking, "Umm, Tucker, you cannot write a report on a book you never read!"

To you I respond "Children, children... this is what Wikipedia was inVENTed for."

Two nights before the project was due, (I'm really becoming a good student up here. It's probably proximity to all these stinkin' mormons) I start my essay. Kinda but not really. I start reading a thesis analysis on Wikipedia, and it turns out that Guns, Germs, and Steel is really a dumb book. I had a really tough time starting on my essay the next day, and naturally, I called my mother, who knows everything.

She gave me some of the greatest advice ever. Write a satire of the essay. Write the mocking sarcastic essay you wish you could, then write the real one.

I believe I will be doing this for every essay I write for the rest of my life.


In the novel Guns, Germs, and Steel by Jared Diamond, there is an intriguing storyline, and it's probably a pretty good book; however, I can't really bear my testimony to it, because -- although I'm writing this essay about it -- I haven't even touched a physical copy. My teacher told us that is was Ben Affleck's favorite book. Well... odds are Ben has never read it, one of his publicity advisors advised him to say that, and made him read the same online summaries I read so he could formulate a (wikipedia biased) opinion. Development of human culture is the theme. Kinda. It's more of why civilization developed in Europe so much faster than, say China (The Chinese are developing faster NOW why not then?) or Africa (I read on Wikipedia that one of the arguments for Africa not developing as quickly is because of lions, which ate the people, which apparently inhibited them getting smarter. (You'd think natural selection would make the dumb ones get eaten, and the smart ones survive, but whatever.)) And because of the Europeans growing faster economically, they were able to dominate other cultures with (Hold your breath) Guns, Germs and Steel.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

We're Gonna Bomb the Testing Center...

With fliers.

50 fun things to do at the testing center
  1. Go up to the desk and ask for a test from a random class, when they say they don’t have it, look panicked and run out.
  2. Return 10 minutes later and ask for a different test. Continue this procedure indefinitely.
  3. Softly hum “How does she know that you love her?” From Enchanted, but only that one phrase with the steel drum. “How does she know that you love her… How does she know that you love her… How does she know that you love her…..”
  4. Stretch backwards with your arms above your head and “inadvertently” hit the person behind you. Apologize. Repeat.
  5. Bring Starbursts or some other individually wrapped candy and unwrap them. Loudly.
  6. Bring a pile of about 30 #2 pencils. Pile them on your desk so that they constantly roll off. See how long the person next to you will pick them up before they pretend not to see it.
  7. Place your nose a generous 5 inches from the paper. Do not remove nose until finished.
  8. Whisper to yourself loudly about how to do a math problem while taking a civilization test.
  9. Leave your backpack in the extremely narrow isle. Do not move it even when someone looks at you weird or steps over it.
  10. Bring a razor and shave in line so as to be in keeping with the clean shaven policy. This is best done with shaving cream and a dry razor. If you want to chant to yourself “Comfort of 5 blade precision of one… comfort of five blades precision of one….” Please do so.
  11. Bring M&Ms and give one to each person who walks by you.
  12. Click your pen. A lot.
  13. Two words. Bubble wrap.
  14. Fall asleep repeatedly and wake up suddenly with many jerky movements.
  15. Bring a calculator to the test and ask if you can use it on your writing exam.
  16. When they tell you no with the calculator, act extremely surprised and offended.
  17. Return to the desk and ask them if they gave you the right test. 3 times.
  18. Find a squeaky desk. Enjoy.
  19. Ask the person next to you for a pencil. Break it. Ask if they have any more.
  20. Ask the employees watching you while you take a test how much a bribe costs.
  21. Bring a bucket. When someone asks why, look at them like they just asked why you have pants on.
  22. Wear flip-flops. Flip them loudly and obnoxiously.
  23. Chew gum.  Smack.
  24. Bring playing cards or CDs. Throw them like ninja stars when no one is looking.
  25. Bounce your legs on the chair in front of you.
  26. Record a strange gurgling noise on a tape recorder, put the tape recorder in your backpack with a time delay. Whisper “SHHHHHH” to your backpack whenever it gurgles.
  27. Start laughing hysterically.  When people look at you, stop. Then start again.
  28. Sharpen your pencil every two minutes.
  29. Bring a drink with a bendy straw. Bend it incessantly and slurp from it obnoxiously.
  30. Get up from your desk and move every 10 minutes. If the employees ask you why, explain that you are being followed, and it’s imperative that they do not find you.
  31. Quietly ask yourself “B or C? B or C? B or C?” For at least 2 minutes.
  32. Fake throwing up. (I recommend applesauce)
  33. Bring a TV dinner.
  34. Stick your leg out when people pass. Apologize profusely if they trip.
  35. Whisper C C C C C C C C C C C C as you bubble in your paper. Turn in your paper after about 5 minutes.
  36. Set your ringtone for ABC by the Jackson5. Put your phone on full volume, have a friend call you at least twice.
  37. Start hyperventilating. Bring a paper bag.
  38. Take your test standing up in the back.
  39. Initiate footsies with the woman in front of you.
  40. When she looks at you indignantly, wink.
  41. Poke the person in front of you with a pencil until they turn around. Act really into your test. I suggest #7. Repeat.
  42. Drum your pencil. Attempt to get a rhythm section together.
  43. Bring Bose noise cancelling headphones. Hum loudly until someone touches you (Do not respond even if you can hear someone telling you to be quiet) When someone touches you to get your attention, recoil and whisper BAD TOUCH.
  44. Shout HALLELUJAH when you get up after finishing. Walk triumphantly to the door and turn in your test. Return about 10 seconds later for your backpack.
  45. Strike up a conversation with the guy picking up your test while there are 5 people behind you waiting to turn theirs in.
  46. Skip merrily down the stairs humming a Christmas song and open the door. Abruptly stop skipping, singing, and merriment. Let your mouth hang open for a moment, then walk calmly out of the center.
  47. Write notes with random names on them like “ASHLEY!!!! GREAT JOB ON YOUR MARRIAGE AND FAMILY LIFE TEST!!! WILL YOU MARRY ME?  A) YES B) MAYBE C) DEFINITELY D) CAN’T WE JUST BE FRIENDS? LOVE, Jim” Or “ JENNY!!!!! I hope the Chemistry test went better than you hoped. Here’s hoping for a D!!!  Love, Your boyfriend.”  Put them on the little ledge.
  48. Stand as close as you possibly can to the screen displaying scores and look disbelievingly at your ID card then your test score, then your ID card, then the screen again. Walk away discouraged.
  49. Do a heel click off the steps as you leave.
  50. Stay just outside the door and cheer crazily for everyone who walks out. Especially if they look dejected.
Watch for them.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

You Should've Seen His Face...

You know when the little kid gets on the roller coaster or the merry-go-round or any other death-defying high speed ride and they always look at their mom the exact same way? When they're playing tee ball for the first time, when they are on stage at a choir concert for the first time, they always look at their mom a very distinct way...

Well my roommate Ben Metcalf recently used my connections to land a job at the Bookstore. He passed the Candy Counter once and looked at me a lot like that.

I was so proud.

Monday, November 29, 2010

The REAL Story Behind the First Batch of Amish Friendship Bread...

It's running rampant around BYU campus, and i don't think I can take it anymore.

It looks like a gallon Ziploc bag sparsely populated by throw up and smells about the same.

Amish Friendship Bread............. my nemesis.

For those of you who don't know, Amish Friendship bread is a bag that is filled with throw up, I mean bread mix, and it has instructions stapled or taped to the bag (It's always bad when they staple it through the middle of the bag and you have.... nastiness... all over) The goal of Amish Friendship Bread is to follow the instructions -- which mainly say, stir it. Stir it again. Stir again. Add flour to make it harder stir. Stir. Stir. Stir til your arm falls off-- And end up with 4 times as much as you started with after you add a bunch of flour and oil. Then you give it to 3 other people, then you make the bread.

I ask one question. What sicko invented this??? Guilt trip you into day after day of diligence and effort??? SHOOT ME NOW.  I'm pretty sure that an Amish man invented it to tick off his neighbor.

There once was an Amish dude. His name was John-jacob. He had a field and a bunch of sheep enclosed by a cute little picket fence. He had a wife and 16 children. But one day his neighbor's cow named Bessie (What else do you name a cow?) knocked down his cute little picket fence!!! John-jacob was very angry. He vented to his wife. She responded with a contrite "Turn the other cheek." This was not good enough for John-jacob. Not good enough at all. He had been slighted!!! He would get revenge. But he could not do it openly, instead, John-jacob devised a dastardly scheme to annoy his neighbor for 10 days. He made some bread mix... Made some instructions...
Friendship Bread
Day 1 - receive the starter
Day 2 - stir
Day 3 - stir
Day 4 - stir
Day 5 - Add 1 cup each flour, sugar and milk. Stir
Day 6 - stir
Day 7 - stir
Day 8 - stir
Day 9 - stir
Day 10 - Add 1 cup flour, 1 cup sugar and 1 cup milk. Stir. Divide into 4 containers, with 2 cups each for three of your friends and 2 cups for your own loaves. Give friends the instructions for Day 1 through Day 10.

John-jacob allowed a menacing smile to creep upon his chin-strapped face.

He doorbell-ditched his neighbor (or whatever the heck they do without doorbells.) and left the bowl of mix along with the instructions...

John-jacob's neighbor opened the door more quickly than John-jacob expected. "Oh hello Mr. Jingleheimerschmidt!" But John-jacob continued running.

The neighbor's wife immediately fell in love with the idea of Friendship Bread and forced her husband to stir that blasted batter for 10 days. The bread was finally ready after much futile effort and much fruitless stirring.

John-jacob heard a loud kick at his door and went to open it. On the ground he saw a bowl and some instructions. A sight he would see at least once every two weeks for the rest of his life.

Friday, November 26, 2010

The List

I am stuck.

Stuck at my apartment, no roommates, no schoolwork (which I thought was a good thing at first, but soon realized would've been a very good use of time.) The bookstore was closed because of severe weather (yeah, severe weather my toosh buddy, I'm from Arizona, and I wasn't even cold. Ok maybe a little cold, but it was barely fuzzing (the snowing equivalent of sprinkling. I made it up.)) (Is double parentheses allowed in English? It's allowed in math, and that's good enough for me.) Anyway... So I was planning on working all day Wednesday and Friday, but it didn't really happen. I had no books other than my quad, and I was desperate. As any young man knows (but will never admit) when you are desperate, you go to your mother. Mothers know everything. (Except what they're talking about sometimes, but they'll never admit that either.) Here's what she told me. (Paraphrased) "You should watch Cast Away with Tom Hanks and you can act like him and not shave and write a blog post about your experience alone." Ok.... no. "Problem mother, where am I going ot get Cast Away, everywhere is closed because of (two fingers in the air doing exaggerated quotations) severe impending blizzards. " so she recommended I make a list. A list of stuff you can do when you're left alone. Here's how it flowed from my mind.

1. Netflix
2. Make bacon. Thrice in one day.
3. ummmm write a list of ten things to do.... ok this is failing, oh wait look out the window. IT'S THE MISSISSIPPI RIVER FLOWING THROUGH HERITAGE HALLS!
4. Take your shoes off and wade in said Mississippi River while it is approximately 19 degrees. Farenheit. (-7 ish Celsius)
5. Figure out what the devil is happening by walking upstream.
6. Help girls from your ward frantically trying to get stuff out of the basement (which has 2 FEET of water in it.
7. Nearly get killed by a shattered window imploding from water pressure (Cool? Yeah. Scary? Of course not, I'm a man. True men don't get scared.)
8.  Turn off breakers so as to not get electrocuted by water hitting the outlets.
9. Go home, nurse your frostbitten (not really, I'm taking poetic liscense) feet back to health and make oodles of hot chocolate for displaced girls. Loan them socks.
10. Wish that all the excitment could be a little more spread out so as to not be bored the rest of the weekend.
11. Netflix.
12. Blog about it.



Now what mom?



(Videos of the flood can be found here:  http://www.fox13now.com/news/local/kstu-byu-water-main-break,0,5900801.story)

(P.S. That announcer guy didn't know what the heck he was talking about when he said a foot of water. Had he been in Penrose, he would've screamed for mercy from the 3 feet (Which is what it ended up at before they started pumping) of water coming up to his waist.)

15 if you were wondering.

Monday, November 22, 2010

The Ring Stand

I work at the BYU Bookstore, specifically in the Candy Counter. The Candy Counter is situated in the exact center of the Bookstore. This means we see hundred of people pass daily. There are some pretty funny overheards, but several of them are heard from one little pole. It's two feetish in diameter. Why, you ask, do couples come to this obscure pole next to the Candy Counter?

There is a key ring.

On this key ring are lots of other rings.

They have little numbers on them, and that number is something every man must know before he proposes.

Ring size.

All KINDS of fun stuff happens at this little pole. One guy was trying to find his size, and his finger got stuck. It was in the middle of lunchtime, so people were all over the place, and this guy is stuck to the ring stand. Fortunately, somebody had butter (WHY??) and the day was saved, but that's not even the best story.

As you can imagine, we are (probably) the only place on campus you can find out your ring size, and often I see a man and a woman come up to the pole all smiley and happy. There are times however, that the reaction is a bit different.

One guy comes walking past the Candy Counter. He's a regular. I don't know his name, but I always see him holding hands with a VERY attractive girl. He subtly (as an ox landing on your grass hut) directs the young lady he is holding hands with towards the pole. She (seeing the ox landing on her grass hut) edges away towards the book section. He non-chalantly ( about as chalantly as a guy wearing a neon green shirt, purple parachute pants, and a rainbow wig) asks her, "So baby... what's your ring size?"

"No. We're not doing this right now."

"Come on baby, just for fun!"

"David, no!"

"Just for fun baby!" (She's not stupid, and realizes the only fun that's gonna come from this involves one knee, and a huge decision)

"David, really, let's leave."

"Oh come on please baby?" (Not only is he as subtle as an ox, he's about as smart as one too.)

"David! Really. I'm not doing that. Not now, not later, give it a rest."

Ever persistent...

"Baby I'm not gonna buy you a ring! I'm just curious."  (I'm not over-exagerrating the "baby" usage. You'd think this guy was Justin Bieber if he talked like a girl and flipped his hair to the side every 3 seconds.)

"David, I'm going to class. Bye."

I never saw him holding hands with her again.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

What did you expect?

At BYU there is a lot of PDA, there's a lot of dating, and there's a lot of marriage. It is not uncommon to see people kissing or otherwise... occupied.... around campus. Yesterday blew my mind a little bit. There was an issue in the middle of a major walkway. I took it upon myself to solve the issue. I think everyone's thoughts went something like this.

Other guy: *Man I love it when she wears strawberry lipgloss. It's kinda fun to slurp off. That cherry stuff is sick. And the menthol flavor makes me wanna gag... Whoa she's getting aggressive. She must like the new cranberry-apple flavored Tic-Tacs*

Other girl: *Oh. My. GOSH. Is that the new Tic-Tac flavor??? What's it called again.... ummmm CRAPPLE!!! Yeah that's what it's called. I haven't tried it yet, but this is almost as good. Just a little wetter. I'll ask him if I can borrow some. Oh wait, that would require me to stop kissing him. I'll just reach in his back pocket and grab them*

Other guy: *I really hope that's her hand in my pocket. Would it be awkward to open my eyes and check? Yeah that'd be too awkward, I might as well just assume it's her*

Tucker: *That's sick-nasty. Do they not REALIZE there are 300 people walking past here per minute? They must've been here for at least 2 minutes, they're getting kinda aggressive. This is actually kinda entertaining to watch. The looks on people's faces are priceless. WHOA I THINK SHE JUST PUT HER HAND IN HIS BACK POCKET.*

I non-chalantly walk over there noticing the scene about as much as everyone else (aka STARING) then I bump into the guy from the side. His lips were jerked from hers, but her hands were still in his pockets. There was some awkward squawking, a little bit of drool flew, and there were several indignant looks. I apologized with a quick muttered "sorry" and proceeded to American Heritage as if nothing had happened.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I succumbed...

I've ragged on my mother for 2 years about her blogging obsession. She blogs like a crazy 5-6 times a week, and she exerts a lot of effort in creating and following blogs. I mocked. I mercilessly mocked as she spent time on the computer revealing her deepest inner soul to the internet where any layabout could read it. "What the devil?" I thought... Why would you want that? What is the APPEAL? Being a man who is interested in biology I was trying to find the evolutionary advantage that would add to fitness, but I couldn't find it. I continued to make witty comments and mock my blog-obsessed mother. I left home, I went to college, I read my mom's blog to keep up with what happens at home, and that's all. Soon I started reading other family blogs in secret and the addiction grew.  Lots of my friends have blogs. I read them.

Surreptitiously.

I was in denial.

So today, oddly enough, I felt the urge to divulge my guts onto the internet.

I texted my mother a very serious message that read "Mom, I'm starting to get tempted, and I need to confess my temptations before I give in"

The reply read "What?" (I can just picture my mom freakin out. She's holding the baby, gets this text and the look on her face would be so awesome...)

Seconds later, before I can respond, "Wanna call me? Or someone else?"

Quickly I used my youth-born quicktexting skills. "I am tempted to start a blog, but I will not succumb!"

The response came with another very clear mental image... "Is it motherly to hate your son's guts, just temporarily?"

And so my blogging life was born. Apparently mom is not the person to tell about your temptations. She only encourages them.