A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet special look into the mind of Tucker

A caustic yet humorous, sarcastic yet awesome, satirical yet ... special look into the mind of Tucker

Monday, October 21, 2013

Betrayed!

My childhood was blissful and happy.

Filled with blissful and happy things.

I had a friend as a young child.

Just one.

He didn't come around very often...

For some reason, our fun together was rare.

Yet, when we were together, it was wonderful.

I always enjoyed our sweet time together.

Just recently, I saw him again on campus!

I ran to the woman who held him, and graciously asked if he was free.

She said yes!

He was free! 

And so I picked him up and held him tightly to my chest before I took off all his wrappings.

Overjoyed, we reacquainted ourselves among tears.

I zealously thrust the fat end into my mouth.







But Blow-Pop had changed over the years...

He sliced my tongue open, mixing the sugary grape-ness with the irony taste of blood.

And all I could think about was...

photo.JPG

Wow he sucks now...

Thursday, October 3, 2013

You Walk Through my Train of Thought as I Walk to the Testing Center

Why doesn't the library have doors on the south side?
This is stupid.
I have to go all the way around to the testing center.
How inefficient.
Oh look it's kinda dark outside.
Hey I've seen that girl like five times today.
Look! People throwing things off the top of the JFSB
Step on crunchy leaf
Step on crunchy leaf
Step EMPHATICALLY on crunchy leaf
OOOOO A PUDDLE!!!!
People will think I'm a five year old
Don't JUMP in it per se... just hop.
Hops are gratifying.
My socks are wet.
Hey YOU! Leggings are not pants.
Wait, why are people throwing things off the top of the JFSB?
If I was a Jedi I could just jump up there and slash them with my lightsaber and make them stop endangering the populace.
That was a rather violent thought...
But they ARE terrorizing the populace... come on Tucker, think of the POPULACE!
But what are the inner CAUSES of such behavior?
Nature or Nurture?
Speaking of nurture, I'm hungry...
"IT'S FRIDAY FRIDAY GOTTA GET DOWN ON--
Oh my gosh, there's that girl again is she following me?
Wait... It's Thursday...
CRUNCHY LEAF!!!
WHY DO YOU NOT CRUNCH YOU DECEPTIVE LITTLE NOT-CRUNCHY LEAF?????
Man if I was a transformer...
Not the kind that explodes and causes power outages, the kind that turns into giant robots and stuff.
Deceptive made me think of decepticons...
...
Swicket is really fun to say. Swicket.
Swicket.
Swicket.
Swicketty do da! Swicketty AY!!!!! MY OH MY WHAT A SWICKETTY DAY!!!!!
I'm such a weirdo, if anyone was listening to this they'd mock me for the rest of my life...
Don't step on the cracks.
I wonder if I actually break the back of my mother by stepping on them?
.....
.....
Why take a chance?
*carefully calculate every step so as to preserve my mama's spinal well-being*
*run headlong into the trash can*
*look around*
Did anyone see that?
Oh my gosh that girl IS following me.... this is like 17 times so far.
That guy is in my Spanish class.
Wow. I've never seen neon colors combined in such an eye-murdering combination.
Is that my grandma?????
Nope. Not grandma.
My socks are still wet...
Is it faster to go between the swicket and the eyring or the eyring and the marb?
Well....
Hey another puddle!
Tucker, if you jump in that you'll regret it. Your socks are already-
*SPLOOSH*
Told you.
Holy crap!!! Is that a Froot Loop on the ground??? GLORY BE! I've been hungry for like 3 hours.
NOOOOOO!!!!! BACTERIUM!!!!!!!!! TOUCH NOT THE UNCLEAN THING!!!
I wasn't actually gonna do it...... Geez...
My socks are REALLY wet...
This is gonna distract me during the test, because if there's ONE thing that I cannot abide, it's--
Oh my gosh look at that cute baby!!! He's ... I mean SHE's adorable... Hair bows Tucker Hair bows....
Hair bows are pretty much the only difference between the sexes sometimes.
Why did they construct the sidewalk like that? It seems so inefficient.
Hey this is where we took that one picture for EFY!
What the freak is the purpose of a duck face?
Leopard print pants? You go girl. I mean... guy. Yep, that's a guy...
You can tell because he doesn't have a hair bow.
This is the THRILLER!!!!!! Ain't no one gonna save you from the beast about to--
Oh my gosh is she pregnant?
Nope. False alarm. Don't know her. Might be pregnant though....
Can't tell if that's just an incongruous conglomeration of fat molecules or a little parasitic uterus invader....
CRUNCHY LEAF!!!
That guy just went around a corner on his bike with NO HANDS! Holy crap how does that happen???
I'm Blue aboodeeaboo-die.... If I was green I would die aboodeeaboo-die....
But oh my gosh seriously how did he do that?
I wonder if those ruffians on top the JFSB quit throwing things...
I wonder what they were throwing...
It was probably explosive!
*imagine myself saving the world as a jedi*
No ladies, I am married.
Yes.
Oh my gosh. SERIOUSLY. Leggings do not equal pants people...
Crap I didn't shave this morning.
Wait... what?
Oh yes.
Face shaving. THAT kind.... Didn't do that this morning...
I hope they let me take my test.
What if they let yoga pants girl in and not me?
Formulate clever thing to say if they try to stop me...
GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH!!!!
Yeah... that's original... (smug)
Nah they probably won't even notice.
No, they'll notice.
What's the criteria for calling someone out on that anyway? How do THEY know if I shaved today?
Well there's blaring evidence on your face doofus.
Swicket.
Swicket.
SWIIIIIIIIIII-CKET. (to the theme of jaws)
SWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-CKET
SWICKETSWICKETSWICKETSWICK--
What if a giant walking shark invaded campus?
How would he even get his fat bulk up maeser hill?
That's actually a rather fortifiable position... If BYU were to be attacked....
I probably should've looked through that vocabulary sheet a little better.
I should get it out of my--
Oh my gosh is that guy BLACK???
Nope.
False alarm guys.
Just a white guy with short dark curly hair.
There are two black people in one of my classes.
We are so DIVERSE.
Jedi are diverse.
I should've brought my lighsabers from Arizona!!!!! My GOOD GOLLY GOSH I'm the worst Jedi ever....
No biggie. I'll just get a Qixoni crystal and assemble my own...
Is it weird that I know how?
Yes. That's weird.
By the way, way to go in Spanish 339 the other day...
What do you mean?
Oh.... that........ Yeah. not my best moment....
What was the name of that guy with an afro that did that painting show on PBS for way too long?
I forgot.
PBS programming was always a little off...
I mean... Teletubbies? What the FUH-REAK was that?
There it is... the testing center...
Remember when I wrote that exceedingly hilarious thing about the testing center?
I'm so dang funny.
You know what's funny?
Ellen Degeneres... that woman is something else.
P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way Sydney.
Heber J Grant Building? Hmm. Didn't even know it was called that. I just thought it was called the slaughter chamber...
CRUNCHY LEAF!!!!! OH MY GOSH I FREAKIN' LOVE THOSE.
If you love them why don't you marry them?
See line 86 of this train of thought.
Vending machines in the testing center? As if anyone wants to spend more than the absolute minimum amount of time here.
Wow this line isn't as bad as I thought it'd be.
Panic.
Oh my gosh.
You forgot ALL THE THINGS.
THOSE THINGS YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER.
YOU FORGOT ALL OF THEM.
PANIC.
Oooo look a little screen to display all the tests they're administering...
And it's alphabetical!!!!
Let's make sure mine is on there so I don't walk up there and look stupid if it isn't.
Because it is.
But I just wanna make sure.
You know?
Oh sorry man didn't see you there.
Oh crap... I missed the part of the alphabet where they display my test.
Waiting....
*sings the alphabet song quietly to find out what the heck comes after n...*
Ope the line's moving.
CRAP I MISSED IT AGAIN.
YOU FORGOT ALL THE THINGS!!!!!!
Only two people in front of me, and I still don't know if they have my test, and I forgot all the things....
The girl in front of me is taking the same Spanish test as me!
I should sit by her.
The employee just told her she couldn't use a calculator?
OH DANG! I WAS GONNA USE MY CALCULATOR ON THE SPANISH TEST.
Said no one ever.